I am so distracted by stress, I can't possibly write about anything else. I've meant to come and write several times, but I'm struggling to even think and breathe through the stress. Now I am at work, which actually helps, so I'm just going to unload.
The culprit? Being the wife of a Small Business Owner. AKA, money. Like, having none.
Our money situation right now is laughable. There is no safety net. I have had the only income for 13 months, now, which has been OK. It's been tight, but I've been able to support the family. But, our childcare situation will be changing any day, and I literally don't have the funds to afford the kind of place I want to send Jeb. The money just.isn't.there. I break down in tears every time I think about compromising my standards on where he goes.
The business is in a tough position right now because it's a Landscape/Snow Removal business. We had record LOW snow fall this winter. The snow $ was supposed to buy the mulch, and B was supposed to be able to start having an income. Well, there is no snow $, and B is losing his mind trying to figure out how to buy mulch. And there is obviously no way he can take a pay check.
There are a couple of possibilities: loan? investors? help from corporate (it's a franchise)? inheritance that we've been waiting on for a year? a miracle? the lottery?
I can't work anymore hours, especially because child care is an issue.
I hate blogging about something as dumb as money.
On top of it all? My loser neighbor sent a letter to the Chief of Police that I still hadn't switched my license plates from VA to MA. A cop showed up on my porch to tell me he'd be taking me to court if I didn't get it resolved. So, in the middle of one of the most stressful weeks of my life, I had to spend 3 hours (and hundreds of dollars that I can't afford) at the DMV. With a 2 year old. It was about as fun as you'd think.
My head is going to explode.
Tomorrow I will write about the fantastic week Jeb and I had despite my wanting to puke and/or cry at any minute. I refuse to let money make me unhappy.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Weaning. (this got long)
Well, the time is upon us. We are almost done nursing. I think our last session will be sometime in the next week (or two). After 27 months, it is time. It's starting to feel kind of skeevey to me, my supply is pretty much zip, and I really want a break before we TTC in the fall. If it were up to my boy, we'd have many many more months to go, I am sure!
It is a hard transition to make.
It is hard physically, to manage tapering without getting engorged. I'd say I started mindfully decreasing our nursing about 4 months ago.
It is hard mentally, to say 'no' or redirect when I know nursing will produce immediate sleep/peace/quiet/calm. Sometimes the fight just wasn't in me at 4am when all I wanted to do was sleep, and nursing was the surest fire way to make that happen. Or at 4pm when a quiet nursing session on the couch (sipping a coffee) sounded like the perfect way to s l o w everything down after a long day with the toddler.
It is oh so hard emotionally, to deny my precious boy when he looks at me with those big brown eyes and begs nurse? peas? and I tell him 'no' because any more time with toddler teeth on my nipples might send me over the edge.
It's hard because he doesn't understand it. No part of him ever thought there would come a time that we would not be doing this totally awesome thing. It's been a part of him since moment #1. It was how he transitioned to life on the outside. Before he knew he had hands, before he could see more than 12 inches in front of him, before he smiled, before he laughed, before he crawled or walked or talked or hugged or kissed ---- he nursed. It's been his comfort, his food, his home.
It's hard because he is my baby, who is not so much a baby anymore.
I never set out to nurse for 27 months. It just kind of happened. I threw myself into it in the beginning. I protected my supply fiercely. I dragged that God-forsaken Machine Baby (pump) to work for 13 months. I monitored my water intake, cut out dairy for 5 months, delayed solids until 6 months, did EVERY SINGLE NIGHT FEEDING, EVER. Jeb didn't sleep for more than 2 consecutive hours for 6 months. It was murder, but it was Our Thing.
Last week I let him have a spontaneous afternoon session just before I took a shower. He asked, and beamed when I said 'yes'. It was only a few moments, but I made sure to soak it in. I knew it would be one of our lasts, and I wanted a memory other than being annoyed in the wee hours of the morning. I ran my fingers through his hair, stroked his cheek, looked at his long legs that used to curl up and fit in my lap easily, told him how much I loved him, and then sent him running down the hallway to play in his room. I teared up knowing what he didn't: it was one of our lasts.
Now, I let him nurse for a few minutes when he comes to my bed in the morning. When he asks during the day, I tell him 'no, buddy, we can't nurse now, but we can hug and cuddle!'. Like always, he's adapted faster than I anticipated. (I am constantly underestimating this kid.) He still asks to nurse a bunch of times during the day, but he also asks a bunch of times for hug, mama? while extending his little arms. Sometimes he asks during a very inconvenient time, like when I'm on the toilet, or up to my eyeballs in cooking dinner, but I never say 'no' to the hugs. I don't want him to feel we are less connected; I want him to shift how we express our connectedness, but never the fact itself.
Oh, my sweet boy, we are so connected, don't you worry.
I am thrilled to be thisclose to being DONE, but my heart is breaking letting it go. This Mothering Gig sure is a roller coaster.
It is a hard transition to make.
It is hard physically, to manage tapering without getting engorged. I'd say I started mindfully decreasing our nursing about 4 months ago.
It is hard mentally, to say 'no' or redirect when I know nursing will produce immediate sleep/peace/quiet/calm. Sometimes the fight just wasn't in me at 4am when all I wanted to do was sleep, and nursing was the surest fire way to make that happen. Or at 4pm when a quiet nursing session on the couch (sipping a coffee) sounded like the perfect way to s l o w everything down after a long day with the toddler.
It is oh so hard emotionally, to deny my precious boy when he looks at me with those big brown eyes and begs nurse? peas? and I tell him 'no' because any more time with toddler teeth on my nipples might send me over the edge.
It's hard because he doesn't understand it. No part of him ever thought there would come a time that we would not be doing this totally awesome thing. It's been a part of him since moment #1. It was how he transitioned to life on the outside. Before he knew he had hands, before he could see more than 12 inches in front of him, before he smiled, before he laughed, before he crawled or walked or talked or hugged or kissed ---- he nursed. It's been his comfort, his food, his home.
It's hard because he is my baby, who is not so much a baby anymore.
I never set out to nurse for 27 months. It just kind of happened. I threw myself into it in the beginning. I protected my supply fiercely. I dragged that God-forsaken Machine Baby (pump) to work for 13 months. I monitored my water intake, cut out dairy for 5 months, delayed solids until 6 months, did EVERY SINGLE NIGHT FEEDING, EVER. Jeb didn't sleep for more than 2 consecutive hours for 6 months. It was murder, but it was Our Thing.
Last week I let him have a spontaneous afternoon session just before I took a shower. He asked, and beamed when I said 'yes'. It was only a few moments, but I made sure to soak it in. I knew it would be one of our lasts, and I wanted a memory other than being annoyed in the wee hours of the morning. I ran my fingers through his hair, stroked his cheek, looked at his long legs that used to curl up and fit in my lap easily, told him how much I loved him, and then sent him running down the hallway to play in his room. I teared up knowing what he didn't: it was one of our lasts.
Now, I let him nurse for a few minutes when he comes to my bed in the morning. When he asks during the day, I tell him 'no, buddy, we can't nurse now, but we can hug and cuddle!'. Like always, he's adapted faster than I anticipated. (I am constantly underestimating this kid.) He still asks to nurse a bunch of times during the day, but he also asks a bunch of times for hug, mama? while extending his little arms. Sometimes he asks during a very inconvenient time, like when I'm on the toilet, or up to my eyeballs in cooking dinner, but I never say 'no' to the hugs. I don't want him to feel we are less connected; I want him to shift how we express our connectedness, but never the fact itself.
Oh, my sweet boy, we are so connected, don't you worry.
I am thrilled to be thisclose to being DONE, but my heart is breaking letting it go. This Mothering Gig sure is a roller coaster.
Friday, February 26, 2010
First Award!
I don't even know how to get the Beautiful Blogger icon over here *blushes*, but I'd like to thank Denver Jen for nominating me:)
Since I don't have too many followers, I'll just do the "7 things". I really like reading other peoples' "7 things"!
1. My husband and I met when we were 12, in 7th grade homeroom. It's a really great love story, I'll have to tell it sometime.
2. I'm an ICU nurse, but it's really just a paycheck. I don't mind coming to work, per se, and I think I'm good at it, but it doesn't really inspire me. I believe I am destined to be a midwife, but finding the time for grad school feels impossible.
3. I hate unloading the dishwasher so much, sometimes I wash the dirty dishes in the sink if the dishwasher is full of clean ones so that I don't have to put them away.
4. I make my bed everyday, even if it's 7pm. Making my bed gives me a sense that everything is under control, even if the rest of the house is taken over by toys and clothes.
5. I've lived in 7 states, and 1 Canadian province. From 6th grade until my freshman year in college, I was in a different house (or apt) each year for Christmas. It sucked.
6. I had a natural birth with Jeb, and CANNOT wait to do it again. In fact, I look forward to birth more than a baby right now, which is a pretty good reason to wait to TTC ;)
7. My favorite movie of all time is Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Since I don't have too many followers, I'll just do the "7 things". I really like reading other peoples' "7 things"!
1. My husband and I met when we were 12, in 7th grade homeroom. It's a really great love story, I'll have to tell it sometime.
2. I'm an ICU nurse, but it's really just a paycheck. I don't mind coming to work, per se, and I think I'm good at it, but it doesn't really inspire me. I believe I am destined to be a midwife, but finding the time for grad school feels impossible.
3. I hate unloading the dishwasher so much, sometimes I wash the dirty dishes in the sink if the dishwasher is full of clean ones so that I don't have to put them away.
4. I make my bed everyday, even if it's 7pm. Making my bed gives me a sense that everything is under control, even if the rest of the house is taken over by toys and clothes.
5. I've lived in 7 states, and 1 Canadian province. From 6th grade until my freshman year in college, I was in a different house (or apt) each year for Christmas. It sucked.
6. I had a natural birth with Jeb, and CANNOT wait to do it again. In fact, I look forward to birth more than a baby right now, which is a pretty good reason to wait to TTC ;)
7. My favorite movie of all time is Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Give Away Link
Super awesome give away at Heart Cries!
http://rebekahpinchback.blogspot.com/2010/02/my-very-first-giveaway.html
http://rebekahpinchback.blogspot.com/2010/02/my-very-first-giveaway.html
Whirlwind
I feel like the weeks are whizzing by at the speed of light. I keep waiting for everything to slow down, just a little bit. I think after next week when X is over we can chill or once X month has passed things will slow down. IT NEVER SEEMS TO HAPPEN. As soon as we get past X month or X event, obviously another one pops up. Appointments, B travelling for work, birthdays, oil changes (I really need to get my oil changed!!), dinners with MIL because she doesn't get to see Jeb all that much, play dates squeezed in because I haven't seen my friends in months, etc. Oh, and working full time nights. And owning a small business. And being landlords. And keeping a household running (somewhat) smoothly. And the toddler that simultaneously makes life faster and more intense, and also throws a huge wrench into any sense of efficiency when it comes to taking care of anything else.
There are ~3 evenings a week that are strictly family time, and I guard that time fiercely. (The other evenings are: work-3 MIL-1) They are my favorite. I wish all day everyday were Family Time. Jeb loves Family Time. I can see it written all over his face that he just loves nothing more than when the 3 of us are together, just being together. I feel the same way.
It's hard to find the balance of enjoying the here and now, when here and now is such a whirlwind. My biggest fear is that I'll look back and think I didn't enjoy the craziness of a young family while it was happening. There are many days when I resist and resent the craziness. I want just a little more down time. A little more prep time. A little more room for spontaneity. More mornings in bed lounging with my husband while the nanny makes breakfast for Jeb and puts out fresh coffee and fruit for whenever we make our way downstairs........ Ok, that might be a little much.
So, things are not going to slow down. In fact they will probably continue to speed on full blast for some time. It might sound silly, but this is actually just kind of dawning on me. Life will continue to be fast, and intense, and full, and I have no choice but to keep up. And enjoy it.
There are ~3 evenings a week that are strictly family time, and I guard that time fiercely. (The other evenings are: work-3 MIL-1) They are my favorite. I wish all day everyday were Family Time. Jeb loves Family Time. I can see it written all over his face that he just loves nothing more than when the 3 of us are together, just being together. I feel the same way.
It's hard to find the balance of enjoying the here and now, when here and now is such a whirlwind. My biggest fear is that I'll look back and think I didn't enjoy the craziness of a young family while it was happening. There are many days when I resist and resent the craziness. I want just a little more down time. A little more prep time. A little more room for spontaneity. More mornings in bed lounging with my husband while the nanny makes breakfast for Jeb and puts out fresh coffee and fruit for whenever we make our way downstairs........ Ok, that might be a little much.
So, things are not going to slow down. In fact they will probably continue to speed on full blast for some time. It might sound silly, but this is actually just kind of dawning on me. Life will continue to be fast, and intense, and full, and I have no choice but to keep up. And enjoy it.
Friday, February 12, 2010
An Anniversary
12 years ago today, I spoke with Colin's parents for the first time.
I had called the agency just a week before asking for profiles. They sent me 4, and assured me that I could see many more if nothing jumped out at me. But G&D's profile did just that; it JUMPED out at me. When we would speak to waiting families in years to come, they always asked me what it was about the profile that made me love them. Honestly? It was really colorful and bright. That's it. I wish there was something more profound that I could tell Colin, but the truth is is that I was drawn to it's brightness. So, I told the agency I'd like to talk to G&D.
On Feb 12 they called me and we talked for about 15 minutes. I had a list of questions that now seem really superficial, but that's how you just start getting to know someone -- with awkward small talk. I told them I felt badly that they had to go through so much to be parents, that they had to be questioned by a teenager. They told me later that they were really impressed that I sympathized with them so early on.
There was chemistry from that first phone call, and that was that. I told the agency that I officially "chose" them, and they came to visit me 2 weeks later. We talked weekly until I delivered.
I took so much for granted. I was committed to placing and it would confuse me when they would talk in "ifs" instead of "whens". Now I know they were being respectful of my right to parent, but at the time I thought geez, why don't these people believe me? They would use adoption-sensitive language and I thought why don't they just talk normal? One time D used the word "co-parent" as in, not wanting to, and I thought who comes up with these words? obviously we're not co-parenting... he's going to be YOURS. I had a keen sense that I was holding all the cards; I'd never had that much power and it was uncomfortable. Everyone held their breath around me, including my family. From that first day I wanted to tell everyone to chill out. I'm placing this baby and that's that. (hmm, tangent much?)
12 years. Man, time flies.
I had called the agency just a week before asking for profiles. They sent me 4, and assured me that I could see many more if nothing jumped out at me. But G&D's profile did just that; it JUMPED out at me. When we would speak to waiting families in years to come, they always asked me what it was about the profile that made me love them. Honestly? It was really colorful and bright. That's it. I wish there was something more profound that I could tell Colin, but the truth is is that I was drawn to it's brightness. So, I told the agency I'd like to talk to G&D.
On Feb 12 they called me and we talked for about 15 minutes. I had a list of questions that now seem really superficial, but that's how you just start getting to know someone -- with awkward small talk. I told them I felt badly that they had to go through so much to be parents, that they had to be questioned by a teenager. They told me later that they were really impressed that I sympathized with them so early on.
There was chemistry from that first phone call, and that was that. I told the agency that I officially "chose" them, and they came to visit me 2 weeks later. We talked weekly until I delivered.
I took so much for granted. I was committed to placing and it would confuse me when they would talk in "ifs" instead of "whens". Now I know they were being respectful of my right to parent, but at the time I thought geez, why don't these people believe me? They would use adoption-sensitive language and I thought why don't they just talk normal? One time D used the word "co-parent" as in, not wanting to, and I thought who comes up with these words? obviously we're not co-parenting... he's going to be YOURS. I had a keen sense that I was holding all the cards; I'd never had that much power and it was uncomfortable. Everyone held their breath around me, including my family. From that first day I wanted to tell everyone to chill out. I'm placing this baby and that's that. (hmm, tangent much?)
12 years. Man, time flies.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
30
Well, it's the 6th. I'm 30.
I'm kind of struggling with it. I guess the notion of closing the chapter of My Twenties is really sad for me.
I loved my 20s. I don't have 1 single regret. I got an education and established a career, fell in love, moved out of state for 5 years and then came back 'home', started a family, and had a complete blast all throughout. The last 10 years have been so great, I want more of them.
I know my 30s can and will be awesome too, but I'm sad about letting go of being Very Young.
I wish time would slow down a little. I'm suddenly very aware of the fact that this is a one-way street. Everything is going way too fast.
When I start getting panicky, I try to focus on the feeling of fulfillment. My 20s were absolutely fulfilling. My 30s (and the rest of my life) will be fulfilling as well. My 30s will likely be quieter, or at least loud in a different way, like less parties and more babies :) And I imagine that they will be very family-centric. It sounds fabulous, and very fulfilling.
Deep breath. There's no changing it anyway, I'm 30. So, I'd better deal.
An overnight date in the city with the Husband on Monday will certainly help ;)
I'm kind of struggling with it. I guess the notion of closing the chapter of My Twenties is really sad for me.
I loved my 20s. I don't have 1 single regret. I got an education and established a career, fell in love, moved out of state for 5 years and then came back 'home', started a family, and had a complete blast all throughout. The last 10 years have been so great, I want more of them.
I know my 30s can and will be awesome too, but I'm sad about letting go of being Very Young.
I wish time would slow down a little. I'm suddenly very aware of the fact that this is a one-way street. Everything is going way too fast.
When I start getting panicky, I try to focus on the feeling of fulfillment. My 20s were absolutely fulfilling. My 30s (and the rest of my life) will be fulfilling as well. My 30s will likely be quieter, or at least loud in a different way, like less parties and more babies :) And I imagine that they will be very family-centric. It sounds fabulous, and very fulfilling.
Deep breath. There's no changing it anyway, I'm 30. So, I'd better deal.
An overnight date in the city with the Husband on Monday will certainly help ;)
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