At the same time...

At the same time...

... this pregnancy is physically the hardest, but emotionally the most wonderful.

... 10 weeks feels like an eternity, and not nearly enough time.

... I am struggling to stay patient with my 3 year old, and cherishing our days together.

... reveling in the sacred experience of growing a baby, and longing for it to be over.

... terrified of what life will look like with a newborn + a 3 year old, and completely relaxed and confident that we'll all figure it out.

... loving and adoring my family of 3, and cannot wait to become a family of 4.

... really really really looking forward to labor and birth, and can't believe I'm even saying those words having been through it haha!


Thank God my beloved therapist from my early 20s taught me that I can feel 2 opposite things at the same time :)

precious moments

Lately I linger as I tuck Jeb into bed. I am so mindful (and weepy) of the fact that his time of only-ness is winding down.

There is something magical about those moments just before your little one drifts off to sleep. Their innocence, perfection, and sweetness bring you to your knees in prayers of thanks. And, dang, but their hair smells so good post-bath.

Last night I found it extra hard to walk back downstairs. We snuggled a little longer. I gave a few extra kisses. I was sad that he didn't want to listen to one more story when I offered. I was secretly excited when I heard his little voice call me back upstairs to help him pee. As I tucked him back in, he asked:

If I need help, I can call you, and you will come?

Yes, baby, always.



/weep

FiveOneFour

It's 514!! My first born turns 13 today. He's a TEENAGER. Holy smokes.

Jeb picked out a Batman card for him. I talked to him on the phone for a while. Regular stuff.

I worked last night, so I got to look at the clock at 0159, the time he was born. It was very cool. I smiled to myself and remembered, and didn't feel the agony that this day used to bring me.

I'm so happy he's him; that he was born 13 years ago. I'm so happy for all the work we've done. I'm so happy to be happy this fivefourteen, and not sobbing on the floor. I'm so happy to be in a place of true celebration this birthday. It's like Grief is across the room at the party, and I gave him a wink, and then got back to smiling and chatting.

Happy Birthday, my boy, I love you so freaking much.

Gah, 4 months.

First, I wasn't sure how to write about pregnancy stuff without being one of those "X weeks!!! Baby is a carrot!! I don't miss ANYTHING because I am so perfectly pregnant!!!" types. Which I'm not. But anyway.

Then, the pregnancy kicked my butt up and down the block at the same time that we had the snowiest winter EVER and husband was NEVER home and Jeb was (is) in the HORRIBLE THREE's and and and....

And then it had been so long that I didn't know exactly how to come back, but I so wanted to, and promised every week --- I will write a post no MATTER WHAT this week... but that was somewhere around late March....

And now it's early May (Birthmother's Day!), and I'm in my third trimester, and I want to be back.

There are so many things I want/have wanted to write about. How physically hard but emotionally wonderful this pregnancy has been compared to my others. How this baby fits into the "adoption" part of my brain, since I'm already parenting. Colin is becoming a teenager next week-- hello! -- and my thoughts as he approaches the age I was when I got pregnant. You know, run of the mill kind of stuff that makes you start a blog ;)