I am toying with the idea of doing the open adoption interview project. I really want to get more into the swing of things, but I'm worried that if I commit, I won't be able to find the time that I need to do it.

Taking care of 2 kids and moving 500 miles is kicking my butt. Everything is getting done, and the kids are doing well, but I mostly walk around feeling like no one is getting everything they need from me. Everyone is getting short changed, it feels like, including myself. 90% of the time I remember to tell myself that it's temporary, Will is only 2 months old - we're still in the thick of it, that we'll find our groove, that everyone is ok. But sometimes, like last night, I feel like a big fat failure. I stood in the kitchen last night, walking a fussy baby and singing my standard Irish lullabies, and wept. Not out of exhaustion, or frustration, or want of anything to be different. I was just plain sad that I couldn't tuck Jeb into bed, that my husband is desperate for some attention, that Will's experience of being a newborn is so unlike Jeb's. I wish, that when I'm tending to one of them (Jeb, Will, or Bennett), that time would freeze for the other 2 and that way they all get more of my time. Ah, well, the balance will come.

I really need to post some pictures. Will is such a chunk, and Jeb is perfection. Overwhelm and crazy shit aside, life is good.

Quick Takes.

I don't have much time for, well, much, lately. But I hate that so much time is flying by without recording any memories.

1. Will is 8 weeks old. Holy shit. This newborn period went by so much faster than with Jeb. I must admit, I'm happy it's going by fast right now. Confession: I don't love the newborn thing. Sorry.

2. We moved to Virginia! We lived here, in this house, and then moved to Massachusetts, and have now moved back. It's a looooonnng story, but suffice to say, we are thrilled to be back.

3. I've gone running a few times since Will's birth. It feels amazing, and I really want to keep it up. I may run my first road race in almost a year in a few weeks. We'll see.

4. I don't have a job yet and I am LOVING it.

5. Jeb is adjusting really really well, but I still feel like I don't have enough minutes in the day to make sure I'm giving him enough of myself.

6. I have no idea how to balance 2 kids. There is no groove, no routine, no sense of the new "normal". Esp since we just moved 500 miles, and one kid was only 6 weeks old. Crazy.

7. We are going to State Fair tomorrow. Heaven.

These Are The Days

I've had this thought drift through my brain almost daily for the last several months "... these are the days...", and then I get the Cranberries' song stuck in my head ;)

My Grandfather died 2 weeks ago, and we had to up and fly to Michigan for 5 days. I was 34 weeks pregnant, flying (with delays and complications) with a 3 year old and all the fun that entails. I had to see my father from whom I've been estranged for years and years. It was loaded and draining, to say the least.

I'm miserably pregnant at this point. I'm sick of hearing myself talk about heartburn and insomnia. I'm withdrawing from friends and family because, well, I'm sick of hearing myself complain. I'm ready for this birth, but know there could still be weeks left of pregnancy, and I'm still a little terrified of the reality of 2 kids.

Bennett is in a state of career crisis, and about to make YET ANOTHER gigantic shift, which has the potential to cause some major upheaval in our lives. So there's that.

And still? This song keeps popping up in my head. These are the days, to remember...

I am having the time of my life. These are the best days of my life, the days I'll miss. I love them. I love the day to day routine of raising a family. I hear my aunts, and "older" women whose kids are grown talk about the days when their kids were young, and how much they miss those times. This season of life is intense, for sure, and it's only going to get more intense in the near future. Some days I lose my cool, and longingly think back to B's and my carefree, child free Fun Days, but I truly enjoy my life more now than I did then. I'd like to live ONE of those days every now and again, but I'd already love to go back and live these three and a half YEARS over again.

Late pregnancy is a tough place to be. I'm big, hot, tired, heartburn-y, short on patience, ready but scared, and uncomfortable. But it is thrilling and amazing, too.

Life is sometimes messy, and nothing ever seems to line up into some semblance of "normal and predictable"... but whatever. These are the days, and I'm really loving them.

... and with that? My son wakes and calls for his mama. I'm it, I'm the only one who'll do right now. And quite frankly, I think that's pretty awesome right now.

At the same time...

At the same time...

... this pregnancy is physically the hardest, but emotionally the most wonderful.

... 10 weeks feels like an eternity, and not nearly enough time.

... I am struggling to stay patient with my 3 year old, and cherishing our days together.

... reveling in the sacred experience of growing a baby, and longing for it to be over.

... terrified of what life will look like with a newborn + a 3 year old, and completely relaxed and confident that we'll all figure it out.

... loving and adoring my family of 3, and cannot wait to become a family of 4.

... really really really looking forward to labor and birth, and can't believe I'm even saying those words having been through it haha!


Thank God my beloved therapist from my early 20s taught me that I can feel 2 opposite things at the same time :)

Gah, 4 months.

First, I wasn't sure how to write about pregnancy stuff without being one of those "X weeks!!! Baby is a carrot!! I don't miss ANYTHING because I am so perfectly pregnant!!!" types. Which I'm not. But anyway.

Then, the pregnancy kicked my butt up and down the block at the same time that we had the snowiest winter EVER and husband was NEVER home and Jeb was (is) in the HORRIBLE THREE's and and and....

And then it had been so long that I didn't know exactly how to come back, but I so wanted to, and promised every week --- I will write a post no MATTER WHAT this week... but that was somewhere around late March....

And now it's early May (Birthmother's Day!), and I'm in my third trimester, and I want to be back.

There are so many things I want/have wanted to write about. How physically hard but emotionally wonderful this pregnancy has been compared to my others. How this baby fits into the "adoption" part of my brain, since I'm already parenting. Colin is becoming a teenager next week-- hello! -- and my thoughts as he approaches the age I was when I got pregnant. You know, run of the mill kind of stuff that makes you start a blog ;)

Climbing the Mountain

A couple of weeks ago, I was so overwhelmed looking at my Christmas To Do List. I'm making progress climbing that mountain, thankfully, but I can't say I've been knocked down with the spirit of the holidays like I was last year. I'm enjoying in in a different, quieter way this year. A few Christmas carols make me cry every single time I hear them. Sitting in the dark looking at my Christmas tree is my favorite activity most days. Laying on the couch to watch A Christmas Carol sounds like the most festive thing I'm up for. I've been thinking about Mary and her Baby more than matching wrapping paper, which is more appropriate I suppose, but man! I was so excited about my wrapping paper last year! This year the baking got done, but it felt a bit like a chore. The cards went out, and I was happy to see them go, but I'm not rushing to the mail box everyday to gather in ones received. The shopping is done, and I only have Jeb left to wrap for, but even the thought of all that wrapping left to do makes me tired. Last year I enjoyed wrapping so much, I was actually disappointed when it was done. It's not that I'm not happy, or enjoying this Christmas Season, I'm just floating on the water instead of playing in the waves.

So, my list now looks like:

1 throw a birthday party -- big giant check.
2 buy and finish Christmas cards -- done.
3 shop for everybody -- done.
4 wrap everything -- 75% done.
5 bake 6 dozen cookies for a cookie-trading-thing at work -- never baking another cookie, aka DONE.
6 get a Christmas tree -- check.
7 decorate the tree/house/etc -- everything looks fabu.
8 work more than I want to -- yawn.
9 all the other regular shit that has to get done in a household -- ongoing, double yawn.


I have to work Friday night AND Saturday night (growl), so I told Jeb that Santa is coming Sat night and we will have our Christmas Sunday morning when I get home. I'll then sleep for a few hours and family will come over in the late afternoon for a relatively simple holiday meal.

Simplified, that's the word for my feeling this year. It's working for me.

.... and don't forget to hang up your sock.

Thanksgiving was very good. Chaotic, but good. I have much to be thankful for everyday, and I love honoring it all in an extra special way on Thanksgiving. It's actually my favorite holiday. I love that it doesn't have the stress of Christmas, and it's more about family, food and football.

And now it's officially The Christmas Season. I've had a harder time getting into the spirit this year than last. Man, was I loving every minute of the Christmas Season last year. I was so looking forward to a repeat experience, and I'm dragging my feet admitting I'm not quite there this year. I am loving the music, and so looking forward to our family traditions, but underneath the excitement is a big giant feeling of tired. I feel like I'm standing at the base of a mountain, looking up. I know I'll enjoy the hike once I get going, but I am totally overwhelmed looking at the darn mountain. I have exactly 2 weekends off between now and Christmas, and a few weekdays off. In that time, I have to:

1 throw a birthday party
2 buy and finish Christmas cards
3 shop for everybody
4 wrap everything
5 bake 6 dozen cookies for a cookie-trading-thing at work
6 get a Christmas tree
7 decorate the tree/house/ect
8 work more than I want to
9 all the other regular shit that has to get done in a household


I don't remember feeling as overwhelmed last year, but my list was essentially the same. I am looking forward to doing each individual thing on my list (except maybe numbers 8 & 9). I am super excited about Jeb's birthday, obviously. I love writing and sending Christmas cards. My gift-list is almost complete, so the shopping really won't be that tough. I enjoy wrapping presents. I enjoy baking, especially with Jeb. I LOVE putting up the Christmas tree, however finding a spot to put the toy box temporarily will be a challenge. Each activity is fun, but all together? Overwhelm. I'm disappointed in myself for not feeling more gung-ho.

It's probably just a matter of inertia, and once I get going I'll be more excited.

Just a small, but huge moment.

Jeb is currently upstairs playing alone in his bedroom.

Just in case you didn't read that right, or understand the magnitude, I'll say it again: JEB IS CURRENTLY UPSTAIRS PLAYING ALONE IN HIS BEDROOM.

He is chattering to himself, playing with toys, drawing on his whiteboard, and generally occupying himself. This is amazing. And very new.

I'm thrilled. Not just for the spontaneous precious down time for me, that's only about 10% of why I'm happy. I'm so happy for him. He's a mama's boy, a clingy kind of kid, he stays close. For him to be alone, and happy, and to do this voluntarily, is HUGE. I am so excited for him to develop this skill, this ability to be alone but not lonely.

It seems so small, but this is so big for my boy. I am so happy for him :)


(*eta, so in my extra down time I started to play around with my template, but am now called away, and I don't think I like it yet. work in progress.....)

Pretty Boring

The boys are both asleep, and I should be too, but the quiet and stillness of the house is too much to resist.

So, I blog.

I'm closing in on 1 year of blogging (!), and I've so enjoyed looking back on my own "recordings". I love reading old posts, and remembering. I love that adoption issues are certainly present in my posts, but not dominant. I feel like I've integrated my experience as a birthmom into my life, and I think the blog definitely reflects that it is Just One Hat.

So, in that vein, here are some average, boring, glimpses into life this week:

Husband's business is doing well, but he is overwhelmed and stressed with figuring out the "plan" to execute the snow removal contracts he has for this winter. We had sleet/rain/snow/slush last night, which left him frantic today. It will all come together, but these are tough days for him. I try to be supportive and positive, but there is so much of the business I don't understand, so I wind up giving very cliche, very lame "advice". I couldn't be LESS stressed about it, because no matter what? It won't be as bad as last year, aka his FIRST year.

My job is lame. I don't hate it, because it's easy and at this point in my life I'm not looking for a challenge when it comes to my work. What I hate is the schedule. And I have a pretty decent schedule! I hate being stretched so thin. I hate taking anything away from my household. I sometimes joke to husband that gender equality is oppressive! I should really shut up, because my job has allowed us to start husband's business, and I'm lucky enough to have a job, BUT BUT BUT being a working mom is fucking hard.

Jeb is fantastic. He is doing exactly what an almost-3-year-old should be doing. He's wearing me the fuck out. He is calling my bluff right and left and it's both amazingly frustrating and amazingly hilarious. This age is more challenging than any, so far. I've had to be more firm with him than ever, and the phrase "pick your battles" has been whispered from my lips more than ever before. Most days he's in his jammies until 2pm because getting dressed is a complete THROW DOWN. Just like getting in his car seat. And out of his car seat. And eating lunch instead of Halloween candy. And going to bed. And coming up from the basement after we switch the laundry. And not coloring on the walls. And not jumping on my head. Or dumping a bowl of scrambled eggs on the carpet. And NOT playing with my phone, or daddy's phone, or the computer, or a sharp knife, or ... or... or..... and... and ... and....... Thankfully I have the perspective that this is a very appropriate developmental stage, and that at some point my easy going, cooperative, pleasant son will return. It will happen, right?

TTC is not nearly as fun as I'd imagined. I've looked forward to it for so long, but? It's kind of a pain in the ass. I'm in my first cycle actually trying, ever, and well? I was so distracted during our, um, attempts. I was so preoccupied with thoughts of TTC that I forgot to feel close, kwim? Rainbows didn't shoot out of our asses, or anything! Like anything, I guess, reality is different from the fantasy. I'm only 2 dpo, and I'm already looking forward to not-trying-to-make-a-baby-sex. It's way more fun. I'm trying not to obsess, and truthfully, if I'm not pregnant this cycle I'll be disappointed but not wrecked. Next month? I'll likely be wrecked. I've always been sensitive about TTC struggles ( I hope), having been in the adoption community for so long, but I now have a little bit (a teeny tiny very little bit) more understanding? (That's not the right word, and I don't know what is.) Anyhow, I hate that anyone has had to go through this for months and years.

I need to call Colin. I don't call him as often as I should. I think about him all the time, but life gets in the way, and I don't call. It's a bad excuse, but it's all I've got.


I suppose that's all for an average Monday night :) I know I'll enjoy looking back 6 or 12 or 18 months from now :)

A Brain Dump

There have been several things I've wanted to blog about in the last 10 days, but they've all been competing for space in my head so badly, that I haven't been able to write coherently on any of them. So, I'm just going to brain dump and get over it.

1. An anniversary related to my placement happened this week. On Oct 19, 1997 I got a positive pregnancy test. I was 9w5d. It boggles my mind that I was so far along before taking a test, but I was so young and unaware. And, my cycles were irregular. When I was pregnant with Jeb, by the time I reached 9w5d, I thought to myself geez if I didn't know I were pregnant I'd think I was dying... how did I NOT KNOW? But? Youth and denial are powerful forces. And, pregnancy was so much easier at 17 than 27, ....and so many other things. I should really make a blog post solely about that day.

2. Autumn has been good to my family. B's business is going well. Our personal finances are so much better than they were 6 months ago when I wrote about the crippling money stress. We have had all the typical, awesome, family outings. We've visited the pumpkin patch, picked apples, gone to the County Fair, taken walks through crunching leaves, seen the Jack-O-Lantern display at the zoo, and all that good stuff. Of course, I forgot my camera for every.singe.one. of these awesome memories, but I'm trying not to beat myself up for it ;) We have still to watch Charlie Brown's Great Pumpkin while eating donuts and cider (a family tradition), and obviously we are looking forward to trick or treating in a big way. Jeb is dressing up as Captain Hook, and is so unbelievably excited to wear: A red jacket, mama! And a gold hook, mama!! Arrggghh!!

3. I am enjoying Fall on a whole different, much quieter level. I am heeding the pull indoors. Cooking hearty meals in the slow cooker. Snuggling under blankets to early morning cartoons, and to late evening movies/snacks. It feels strangely comforting to retire the herb garden and drink hot tea every afternoon. I'm appreciating my outside running, but am also looking forward to hanging out on the treadmill (no hills!), and reuniting with my yoga videos. The sunsets, albeit much earlier, seem so much more vibrant than I remember from the warmer months. I'm enjoying living in a place that shows me the beauty of every season, and commands my attention.

4. Jeb is at a new, ahem, developmental stage. Oh, boy. I revelled in his lack of 2-year-terribles. However, he is quickly approaching the even-more-difficult-3s. And it's not even that he's difficult, he's just smarter. I've lost my patience with him more in the last 3 weeks than in the last 6 months. My usually effective tactics just aren't working. A perfect example is when we are in the laundry room and it's time to go upstairs, I say Come'on Jeb, let's race! That used to work like a charm, now he looks at me and says Go ahead, mama, you can win while he tries to stay in the basement and play with any number of dangerous tools/equipment/toxins. Or, it used to be that when he fought with me about something, I would tell him that he wasn't being a good listener, and that alone would compel him to comply... now? He tells me I don't want to listen. Oh, ok. We've gone through other developmental transitions, and I know it just takes time for me to learn his new buttons, and for him to learn my new limits, but the middle part is sticky. Last week, one day he went to time out 6 times, because he was trying to call my bluff. The threat of time out used to be all-powerful, and then he woke up one day and decided to test it. That was a tough day. We'll get through, and I'm acutely aware that I need to (a. be consistent and firm, but not lose it, and (b. hug and validate him even more that usual. Let's just say that I'm finding this stage to be challenging, and when I lay my head down at night and think back on the day... if I didn't lose it on him, it's a good day.

5. The election. I won't get political here, but the election is on my mind often. B is a political junkie, so it's ever-present. I'm looking forward to post-11.2.

6. Hormones. I think maybe they should be called Whoremones, because I hate them. I am in the throes of one of the worst PMSs I can remember. I'm def not pregnant this month, which is OK, for a lot of reasons, but the PMS is just a slap in the face.

7. Gratitude. Honestly, I say a prayer of gratitude daily. Not because I think I should, it just happens. In the midst of toddler tantrums, and stressfull/busy schedules, hormones, and daily irritations, I am struck every single day with just how blessed my life is. I am eternally grateful that my "stressors" are: a job that needs my work, a healthy body that loves to exercise, a smart and healthy son who challenges me, a hard working and loving husband who wants some of my time, enough money to pay our bills and provide good food, a home that needs attention.


/end brain dump.

Oh, hello there, Autumn.

I'm feeling tired and disorganized (ok, and hormonal). My house looks like it usually does at the end of my heavy work-week: also tired and disorganized. We had some family visiting from out of town this weekend, so the usually small amount of down-time was even smaller -- filled with more dishes and less house work. I struggle without my regularly scheduled down-time. Hello, my name is Patti, and I'm an introvert.



Suddenly it is Fall. I didn't notice Summer waving goodbye, it was so subtle. Just a few degrees here, a few moments of sunlight there. Throw in some busy days and errands, and poof! It was the middle of September and Jeb was wearing pants-jammies instead of shorts-jammies. I do feel a twinge of sadness, mostly in the evenings when I look at the clock and immediately do the math for when daylight savings ends. Wow, is it only 6:30? Soon it will be this dim at only 5:30. (sad face) Our Summer was so terrific, but by the end of August I was really looking forward to exactly this. Mums on the porch. Watching the trees for signs of change. Digging my (super cute) jean jacket out of the closet. Enjoying my runs again. Visiting the pumpkin patch and the apple orchard. Snuggling my husband under the covers instead of trying to get as far from each other as possible. Fires in the chiminea. Dinners in the slow cooker. Halloween decorations, which are my favorite decorations of ALL TIME. Pumpkin flavored coffee. The County Fair. Is it too early to make Witch Hat Cookies?


As of 7am I am off for 5 nights. Thank goodness because I really miss my family.

The Opposite of Last Monday

Today was an incredibly sunny, warm day, but kind of poopy in general. Not a total wash, but just, meh.

- Jeb didn't sleep well last night = I didn't sleep well last night = sluggish morning = not the greatest start to the day.

+ Story Time at the library rocked, as usual, and thank God, because if not for that motivation we might have wasted the entire day.

- I have some kind of infected cyst on my forehead. It hurts, and it's swollen, and it's embarrassing. I have a derm appt for tomorrow, but I'm worried that either 1.)I won't be taken seriously, or 2.)There will have to be some sort of procedure that will leave me looking ridiculous. Oh, and husband didn't offer the exact kind of support I was looking for this morning, which left me choking back tears, and on self pity. Awesome.

- Hormonally this isn't the best time. For some reason CD5-CD7 are always very very low for me. (shrugs)

+ Jeb and I bought an S-load of fruit. It was on my to do list, and dammit, I bought the hell out of some fruit.

- I haven't been running in since Thursday. Very, very bad. And we ate Chinese food last night. So now I'm bloated, and sluggish, and all I've fallen off the wagon! Why even bother?! I'm so fat and lame! And I have a CYST on my FOREHEAD! I sound so fun to be around, don't I?

+/- I've been on vacation for the last 5 nights, and have 2 more. I'm already sad that it's winding down, but thrilled to still have a couple of nights off. I want these last evenings to be fantastic, not full of, well, me. like this.

- If I can't find my way out of this mood, I'll feel guilty which will be like Shit Frosting on Barf Cake.



I really prefer terrific days to poop days.

Here's to hoping: I get a decent run in this evening which completely revitalizes my mood, and that half of my face doesn't have to get cut off tomorrow. fx.

(eta: Didn't get a run in because Husband didn't get home early enough (-), but he did bring me flowers because he knew I was feeling down (+). )

Summer Lovin'

I had high hopes for this summer, and boy, I've not been let down. This summer has been everything I wanted, and more.


It's my first summer not being pregnant or nursing since 2006 and I was really looking forward to wearing summer clothes without thinking about nursing bras or mammary exposure, ect. I hadn't worn a sun dress in years! I enjoy getting dressed literally every single day like never beofre!

Another very vain reason I am loving this summer, and loving getting dressed every day is that I've gotten into great shape. And enjoyed the process. In fact, I've enjoyed the process as much as I enjoy dressing the results. My body is certainly not what it was 10 or even 5 years ago, but I feel stronger than ever. Even though my tummy is not as flat as it once was, and my breasts show the signs of nursing for >2 years, I feel more confident in my body than I ever have. I love my body more than I ever have; I enjoy flirting with my husband, and trying to attract him every day. His reaction only reinforces that my attitude and my femininity are even more appealing than the smaller waist he fell in love with years ago.


Jeb's at such a great age, and his independence has given us a much higher level of freedom as a family. He no longer falls asleep on any car ride longer than 10 minutes, which means we can go on so many more family adventures without fear of messing with the nap schedule. He still naps, which is also still very convenient. We get to do stuff that delights and teaches him, which delights and teaches us as well.

Jeb also loves the occasional sleep over with Grandma or Gran or Aunt Jenny, which has allowed husband and I to go on some really fun dates. I can't even explain how awesome this has been. We both miss Jeb like crazy when we're away, but let's face it, it only helps to nurture a marriage. And Jeb has so much fun! And our family loves to take him for the night! It's win win win!

This has been the Summer of Mama and Jeb. The weather has been heaven sent. This has been the most gorgeous summer I can remember. We've gone on outings. To the park, the pool, the beach, the zoo. We've had dinner picnics in our yard. We've spent afternoons playing in the sprinkler and the sandbox. Jeb has gone days without really getting dressed, spending most of his time naked, or at the very most in a diaper. We've gone to story time at the library every Monday morning and brought home Jeb's art to hang on the fridge each week. We've taken walks, picked up sticks, and sang 'We Can Fly!' from Peter Pan while running around the yard more times than I can count. We've blown bubbles and covered the patio with sidewalk chalk over and over. We've sat out in the cool evening air with Popsicles dripping down our wrists, talking about what an awesome summer day we had. We've taken more naps together than I can count, each of us as naked as possible, with the ceiling fan humming and a light sheet draped over our cuddling bodies. We've picked strawberries, trying our best not to sample too many before we paid for our lot, giggling all the while. We've taken days "off" and hunkered down in the AC for a whole lot of nothing: no errands, no heat, no cleaning, no business, LOTS of cuddles. It's been a summer to remember, for sure.

And it's only half over.

I've also worked a lot, stressed a lot, and cleaned not as much as I should have. But I know that my memory with be of the highlights, and there have been many.

I'm hoping to add to our family some time next year, and I'm acutely aware of the luxuries of time, space, and body that I may soon forfeit for 2-3 years while I grow and nurse the next member. I'm simultaneously enjoying my freedoms and looking forward to giving them up. It's the exact assignment I gave myself for the summer: enjoy Jeb, enjoy Bennett, enjoy time and sleep and running, look forward to another baby.

I can't wait to love the 2nd half of this summer as much as I've loved the 1st half.

It's a bullet-y kind of day.

- I had 8 nights in a row off, kind of by accident. It was heaven. I want to be a SAHM so badly. I've got a couple more years of this WFTOOTHAHI (working full time out of the home and hating it), and then I will likely be able to stay home. I can't wait.

- Last week I ran 7.2 miles! The last mile hurt, I won't lie, but I was so proud of myself for running the entire way. I'm toying with the idea of training for a half marathon in October, but I'm afraid to commit and then not make it. My next goal is a 10 mile race in late July; if that goes well maybe I'll officially make the 13.1 my next goal.

- Jeb is so funny these days. The phrases that come out of his mouth blow me away. I am so torn with wanting him to stay 2 forever, but also loving every new stage. Seriously, I love every age more than the one before.

- He turned 2 and a half last Friday; we had cake and candles and balloons :).

- I've got baby fever so badly I can taste it. There are at least a dozen really, really good reasons we are waiting a few more months to TTC, but it is a daily mental battle to keep it in check.

- The weather has been gorgeous. I can't remember a better spring/start to summer in New England. We have been taking full advantage, and there are so many things I want to do and places I want to go this summer. I am LOVING living so close to the beach; there are only ever 15 minutes between my toes and the sand.

- The business is going well. What a roller coaster. That's all I can say.

- We had a couple over on Sat for a grill out. It was so fun; I really miss entertaining. We used to entertain often in Richmond as we had many more "couple" friends. I hope we can start doing it more, we both really enjoy it.

- Life is good. I am loving our (fairly) simple routines of play, outings, work, and just hanging out.

OT 2010 - update

Operation Treadmill 2010 is going well, though much different than what I originally set out to do. I had/have a goal of losing 30 pounds. I am amazed at how slowly it is coming off given how much I am exercising. I've lost 13-14 pounds so far. I've been at this for lamost 19 weeks, that's less than a pound per week for crying out loud! My clothes feel much better, but I'm not in my really skinny stuff yet; I'm not even half way to my original goal even after >4 months.

My goal is changing, though. Not just the number of pounds I hope to lose, but what I am looking for all together. If I wind up losing 30 pounds, you won't hear me complaining. But neither will you if I only lose 20 or 25.

My new goal has much more to do with overall health. I've been taking vitamins every single day for almost 5 months; I've never been this consistent, ever. I'm eating better, and thinking about food differently. (I've never struggled with food, but it's taken some effort to get the portions back to a healthy size) I've been doing a lot of thinking about what it means to be healthy in all areas of my life, and how to manage stress better. I've opted for green tea instead of wine to unwind some (not all ;)) evenings. I've been praying more.

I feel a shift happening. Not any major overhaul; I'm not trying to revamp my whole life. I'm just being more careful about where I put my energy, and move more toward behaviors that bring me feelings of strength and peace. It's almost felt like a surrender. I've been working so hard to deal with all the changes life has brought us over the last few years (well, we've brought them on ourselves) and I've felt close to defeated at times lately. I feel like this shift is a result of me loosening my grip. It wasn't even a decision to loosen my grip, I just got to a point where I feel stripped. It feels better to bring my focus to the small things I can do for myself, and take the rest one day at a time. I feel more vulnerable and stronger all at the same time. It's weird, and I don't really understand much of it yet. I am having a hard time explaining it, but it feels good. It feels quiet, but really really good.

So, I hope the weight continues to come off, but it's not my primary focus.

I am still loving my workouts. I ran a 5K race a few weeks ago and will run an 8K race along the beach this Saturday. It's my Mother's Day gift to myself, and I so can't wait!

It's April

What is it about the calender saying APRIL that just feels so damn good? Maybe it's that March always feels like the longest, drab-est month, here in New England. While we still may have some cold nights and gray days, it won't feel so terrible because it's April. It has to warm up soon.

Jeb started daycare yesterday and did great. He was so excited to go play with kids, and proudly carried his tool-box-turned-lunch-box. We don't keep juice in the house, and when he heard he'd get to have juice with a snack at daycare, he was completely sold. When I picked him up in the afternoon, he looked drained and somewhat overstimulated, but happy. It's a long day for a toddler who's not used to that environment! I worked last night, and slept like a rock all day. I woke up, went for a run, took a shower, and picked him up by 4. This is going to be a great schedule for us once we really find our groove. We are scraping up the money, and it will all be fine. I only sent 1 pair of shoes, though, shhhh! Don't tell!

Can I just say how excited I am to play the Easter Bunny this weekend? I've been telling Jeb that in a few nights, while he sleeps, the Easter Bunny will come and leave treats and toys in a basket for him. The other day, he was asking me about a "bucket of chocolate". I was totally confused until it dawned on me. I said "are you talking about the basket with treats that the EB will leave you?" His face LIT UP and he yelled "yes! yes!". I cannot wait to see his face Sunday morning!

Oh, I am just so happy it's April. For the last 6 or 8 months, one of my mantras has been just make it to April. I knew by April, business would be better, the weather would turn, and we'd have our first year of the business behind us. It's been such a huge focal point for me, a giant milestone. I've made it. I made it to April. I don't know what my next milestone will be, or if the metaphorical clouds will parts as much as I've fantasized about, and that's OK for now. Right now, I just want to sit with the calm that I feel knowing we made it to April.

Spring, I have never looked so forward to enjoying your simple gifts. Longer days. Warmer evenings. Planting the garden. Listening to the birds. Casting aside heavy coats. Sleeping with a window open. Smelling the air. Coloring eggs :)

Photo Post!

This is a glimpse into our lives over the last 6 weeks. Apparently there's been a lot of naked time. We were bored, and are ready for Spring!

That face kills me :)




Peek-a-boo!


Watching the Cable Dude do something cool. Notice the shoes on the couch... it was a Daddy and Jeb day ;)



Sometimes this is the easiest way to get Jeb to wash his hands:


I cut a "house" out of the box his new car seat came in. He L O V E D it.


He brought all of his Important Things inside: a dumptruck, pliers, snack, water, and a book.



Mama and Jeb. (Man, I look tired.)


He was quiet for a few minutes, and I found this in the bathroom:



No more onsies :( My boy is big enough for wife beaters now.



This is how Jeb feels about getting his teeth brushed:



My mom was on her way over with her dog; Jeb waited by the window with treats for the dog ready to go. So sweet.


I'm looking forward to the next months' photos full of sand boxes and swings and grass!!

30

Well, it's the 6th. I'm 30.

I'm kind of struggling with it. I guess the notion of closing the chapter of My Twenties is really sad for me.

I loved my 20s. I don't have 1 single regret. I got an education and established a career, fell in love, moved out of state for 5 years and then came back 'home', started a family, and had a complete blast all throughout. The last 10 years have been so great, I want more of them.

I know my 30s can and will be awesome too, but I'm sad about letting go of being Very Young.

I wish time would slow down a little. I'm suddenly very aware of the fact that this is a one-way street. Everything is going way too fast.

When I start getting panicky, I try to focus on the feeling of fulfillment. My 20s were absolutely fulfilling. My 30s (and the rest of my life) will be fulfilling as well. My 30s will likely be quieter, or at least loud in a different way, like less parties and more babies :) And I imagine that they will be very family-centric. It sounds fabulous, and very fulfilling.

Deep breath. There's no changing it anyway, I'm 30. So, I'd better deal.

An overnight date in the city with the Husband on Monday will certainly help ;)

a bad morning does not have to = a bad day.

This morning was bad. Jeb was up most of the night, which means so were Bennett and I. Who knows why. Maybe it was because that's just how he rolls some nights. Maybe it was his 2 year molars that have been giving us trouble for 2 months. Maybe his tummy was feeling bloated and gassy like mine was after dinner but couldn't tell me as that is a conversation his verbal skills can't quite support. Maybe it was because it was Monday and he knew daddy had a long day at work ahead of him. Who knows. In fact, I'll probably never know since I've stopped trying to figure these things out. Children are a mystery.

Anyway, it was a bad morning. Jeb and I were both tired and cranky. I ate a plate of Chinese food for breakfast, sabotaging my weight loss efforts. I felt guilty with every bite, but too tired to put it down. We couldn't get into our rhythm. We watched some Elmo, but laying on the couch not being able to slip into a deep sleep only made me feel more exhausted and pissed. I lost my temper with him once, and hated myself for it. By late morning I put our shoes on, got in the car, and just went for a drive. We both needed to get out of the living room, away from the tantrums, and given the chance to just zone the eff out. The sunshine helped, too.

It worked like a charm. 20 minutes later he was asleep, and I was calm as I pulled back into the driveway. I put him down for his nap, and I laid down too. As I drifted off, I decided that the Bad Morning was over, and it did not have to make for a Bad Day.

We woke at 2pm. I fed Jeb a good lunch, and I had a bowl of Kashi GoLean and a banana. We played and cleaned up the downstairs. I vacuumed and did 2 loads of laundry. We danced and made the beds. (Why does a clean house ALWAYS help my mood?) I did a Jillian Micheals work out with my cans of black beans, and Jeb followed along with his cans of corn. I heard from Bennett that we have a dinner date with a business associate, and MIL is available to baby sit on short notice. I showered and even blow dried my hair.

Whew. It's been a busy, but awesome afternoon. This morning I was all "I'm not doing anything today. Hmmph." I took that attitude almost out of spite. Like I was giving the universe the finger, and being miserable and unproductive was going to get back at it! I'm glad I know myself enough to know kicking it into gear is the best remedy for the crankies, and being lazy only feeds the beast.

So, my cute pants are in the dryer, I smell good and feel good after my lean lunch and workout and shower (I'm going to stop beating myself up about the Chinese food any minute. I swear.) Jeb is going to have an awesome date with Grandma. The house is clean. My afternoon coffee is divine.

All is good.