Saturday, October 15, 2011

I am toying with the idea of doing the open adoption interview project. I really want to get more into the swing of things, but I'm worried that if I commit, I won't be able to find the time that I need to do it.

Taking care of 2 kids and moving 500 miles is kicking my butt. Everything is getting done, and the kids are doing well, but I mostly walk around feeling like no one is getting everything they need from me. Everyone is getting short changed, it feels like, including myself. 90% of the time I remember to tell myself that it's temporary, Will is only 2 months old - we're still in the thick of it, that we'll find our groove, that everyone is ok. But sometimes, like last night, I feel like a big fat failure. I stood in the kitchen last night, walking a fussy baby and singing my standard Irish lullabies, and wept. Not out of exhaustion, or frustration, or want of anything to be different. I was just plain sad that I couldn't tuck Jeb into bed, that my husband is desperate for some attention, that Will's experience of being a newborn is so unlike Jeb's. I wish, that when I'm tending to one of them (Jeb, Will, or Bennett), that time would freeze for the other 2 and that way they all get more of my time. Ah, well, the balance will come.

I really need to post some pictures. Will is such a chunk, and Jeb is perfection. Overwhelm and crazy shit aside, life is good.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Quick Takes.

I don't have much time for, well, much, lately. But I hate that so much time is flying by without recording any memories.

1. Will is 8 weeks old. Holy shit. This newborn period went by so much faster than with Jeb. I must admit, I'm happy it's going by fast right now. Confession: I don't love the newborn thing. Sorry.

2. We moved to Virginia! We lived here, in this house, and then moved to Massachusetts, and have now moved back. It's a looooonnng story, but suffice to say, we are thrilled to be back.

3. I've gone running a few times since Will's birth. It feels amazing, and I really want to keep it up. I may run my first road race in almost a year in a few weeks. We'll see.

4. I don't have a job yet and I am LOVING it.

5. Jeb is adjusting really really well, but I still feel like I don't have enough minutes in the day to make sure I'm giving him enough of myself.

6. I have no idea how to balance 2 kids. There is no groove, no routine, no sense of the new "normal". Esp since we just moved 500 miles, and one kid was only 6 weeks old. Crazy.

7. We are going to State Fair tomorrow. Heaven.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Most delayed birth announcement, ever.

William Scott was born 8.11.11 :) He weighed 8lb13oz and was 22 in long. He looks just like his big brother, but is a much more chill baby. (Thank you, Jesus!)

He was born via c-section, of all things. I labored at home until I stalled at 9cm. After 4 hours "stuck" in transition we went to the hospital and I got an epidural. After 12 hours at 9 cm, I agreed to a section. Will's head was in a really jacked up position, and would NOT descend. It was long, hard, and disappointing in the end. Laboring at home was awesome, and everything I'd imagined. Had he been in the right position, I know he would have been born at daybreak, after 6 hours of labor. But he wasn't. It is what it is. The recovery was very hard. Being in the hospital for 4 nights and days away from Jeb was very hard. Coming to terms has been hard, but not the end of the world.

So, I now have three sons, and couldn't be happier. I'm tired, but ok. I've had so much help; I have yet to do an entire day with just the kids by myself. I'm really scared to be alone with them all day! We'll find our groove though, I know.

I'll try to get some pics... but I don't have time for much these days, besides nursing/rocking/playing/managing/making snacks. You know, the stuff of mothering small children.

Life is good.

Sunday, August 7, 2011


In an hour, I'll be 41w2d.

I can't even describe how hard it is to be this pregnant, in August, while caring for a 3 year old. In all honesty, I've had a ton of help with Jeb, but I'm still the mom. You can't EVER turn off the "mom" button.

I can't move.

The heartburn brings me to tears.

Everything brings me to tears.

I have painful, regular contractions that get my hopes up almost everyday... only to fizzle out. It is a total mindfuck.

I have insomnia. Most nights I get 4 or 5 hours of broken sleep. You'd think mother nature would help pregnant women sleep BETTER since, you know, we'll soon be in newborn sleep deprivation hell.

My husband is AMAZING. Thank you, Lord, for such a good man. But? He's tired of watching me be miserable. I can't blame him.


That's all.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Due Date

Due today. No baby. Colin was the only baby of mine who was not "late".

I am desperate to give birth.

That's all I have to say right now.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

tiny little check in

38 weeks. No baby. Going to resist the urge to complain about late pregnancy in late July...

So, on to something totally unrelated, but that I've thought many times when coming to my little blog. I LOVE the posts by other moms with young children along the lines of "we've been too busy for me to update..." I love reading that people are enjoying their lives/children so much that the blog has collected some dust. It's happened here more than a few times, and it's just life. It's awesome.

Another totally unrelated topic? Today is the annual FIA picnic. It's the first time I haven't been there since 1998!!! I was going to try to make it, but regular daily life is difficult right now, and I made the decision to stay put. I'm really missing my first born, but I think we'll have a visit soon after this little one is born.

So, I think I'll go reminisce...

Friday, July 8, 2011

One More Shift

Tomorrow is my last shift at work. I could do jumping jacks. I'll be 37 weeks tomorrow. I was originally going to work up until my due date, like I did with Jeb, but somewhere around 30 weeks I made the decision to go out at 37 weeks. Physically, this pregnancy is so much harder than my last 2. I think taking care of Jeb and working nights has a lot to do with it. When I was pregnant with Jeb, I slept whenever I wanted. I was starting to get scared that I'd go into labor after a night shift, having been awake for 24 hours already. NO THANK YOU!! I want better for me and this baby. I want to start mother him/her feeling good and rested, not exhausted and in pain from work. Also, these are my last days/weeks of just me and my Jeb. (tears)

I want to cherish these last days of just the two of us.

I want to start mothering this baby feeling rested and ready.

I want to spend these last quiet evenings talking with my husband, not my co-workers.

These might be my last days of pregnancy, ever. I want to savor the sacredness of it.

I want to listen to my body, and it's telling me to slow down.