Big Love might be on to something...

I might have dropped the ball tonight. I won't know until the morning, if husband is upset that I spent much of the evening outside on the phone with a friend. Sure, my friend needed an ear, but our evenings are precious (esp on the weekends), and I am the first one to get upset when he sacrifices them for work --- or phone calls. Oops. He's now in bed and I'm feeling kind of rotten about it.

It's so hard to find that balance. There's that tricky word again, I know I've written about it before . Ok, more than once . Being a wife and mother and employee and business owner and landlord and friend and birthmom and sister and daughter and aunt and and and...? It's hard. It's hard to feel like you're doing anything awesome instead of feeling like you're doing everything half-assed.

Thankfully husband is pretty terrific, aaannnd it doesn't hurt that I have a birthday celebration planned for him tomorrow that will hopefully smooth over any sore feelings.

This was one of those evenings when I really could have used a clone, to made sure everyone was getting the support they needed. I've started to think that having sister-wives would be fantastic. How great would it have been if I could have talked with my friend, while 1 sister wife kept husband company, and yet another sister wife folded the laundry? Not too shabby ;)

Father's Day :)

I am so excited for Father's Day this year. I think I enjoy Father's Day even more than I enjoy Mother's Day. I love celebrating B even more than I love being celebrated. He is such a fantastic father, it makes me tear up to think about it.

My father was/is not very good. He's got some issues that prevent him from being a very good dad. That is my non-angry way of explaining it. We haven't had a relationship in years. (How cliche: birthmom had shitty dad and then slept around looking for approval from men. Pretty textbook, eh?) For years Father's Day made me kind of sad. I wanted the kind of dad who deserved being celebrated. I wanted all that father-daughter-y shit.

I was 18 weeks pregnant for B's "first" Father's Day. In my mind, I had all kinds of ideas about how different Father's Days would be from then on. Well, B chose to go away for a "guys weekend". I flipped. It was a major communication snafu, and throw in some pregnancy hormones? It wasn't pretty. The last 2 Father's Days have been much better, and much less dramatic ;)

I feel like one of the best things I've done for Jeb is to give him a good father. It was one of the big reasons I placed Colin; his birthdad and I were never going to create a stable home together. I sometimes get jealous of people who have awesome dads, and ensuring my kids have one has been really healing on that front. You know that whole notion about wanting your kids to have more/better than you did? Well, for me, that means giving my kids a good dad. And I have. And I'm really proud of him, but also of myself for that.

So, this weekend, I have a couple of surprises in store for B, and I can't wait! Jeb is going on a sleep over at my mother-in-law's on Sat night. This will be his first sleep over at her house (he's done a couple at my mom's) and they are both so excited they can't see straight. I made dinner reservations at B's fav seafood restaurant, and then we're going for drinks at a dock-side bar on the water in our city. I have a cute sun dress all picked out, and the forecast looks terrific. I got him a great new Hawaiian shirt (he's mental for them), and am taking him to get a set of (used) golf clubs. He's been wanting a set of his own. Sunday will be a lazy family day.... perfection.

Tribe

Husband and I had the opportunity to go away last weekend. A dear friend of ours was getting married in VA Beach. A dozen mutual friends from Richmond VA were also in attendance. I could write about the ocean view from our room, or the perfect weather, or 2 whole kid-free nights, or the super cute sundress I bought just for lounging around on Sat before the wedding, or a bunch of other awesome vacation-y type things.

But those things aren't what I've been thinking about since we've been home. It's my Tribe. My friends. The handful of couples husband and I grew close to; the support given and received that made life so rich. These are good people. They love us and we love them. All the husbands got along, and all the wives worked together, and we all loved hanging out. It was special, and rare. The relationships were deep, but light hearted. They were genuine, and easy. We've all been to each others' weddings, and inevitabley when the pastor talks about the congregation holding up the new couple and helping them be successful in their marriage, we quietly nod our heads in agreement, taking that commitment very seriously. They have each, in their own way, helped my marriage. In many ways, these people have been more supportive of husband and me than my own family. We can't seem to find our groove in MA; we are struggling to find our Tribe.

This weekend made me feel lonely.

I cried saying goodbye to them. I cried myself to sleep, and I cried while packing up Sunday morning. I cried in the cab on the way to the airport. I've been in a funk ever since.

I just want what's best for my marriage, and my family. I hope we made the right decision to move "home". It sure doesn't feel like home right now.

For Richer or Poorer

I am so distracted by stress, I can't possibly write about anything else. I've meant to come and write several times, but I'm struggling to even think and breathe through the stress. Now I am at work, which actually helps, so I'm just going to unload.

The culprit? Being the wife of a Small Business Owner. AKA, money. Like, having none.

Our money situation right now is laughable. There is no safety net. I have had the only income for 13 months, now, which has been OK. It's been tight, but I've been able to support the family. But, our childcare situation will be changing any day, and I literally don't have the funds to afford the kind of place I want to send Jeb. The money just.isn't.there. I break down in tears every time I think about compromising my standards on where he goes.

The business is in a tough position right now because it's a Landscape/Snow Removal business. We had record LOW snow fall this winter. The snow $ was supposed to buy the mulch, and B was supposed to be able to start having an income. Well, there is no snow $, and B is losing his mind trying to figure out how to buy mulch. And there is obviously no way he can take a pay check.

There are a couple of possibilities: loan? investors? help from corporate (it's a franchise)? inheritance that we've been waiting on for a year? a miracle? the lottery?

I can't work anymore hours, especially because child care is an issue.

I hate blogging about something as dumb as money.

On top of it all? My loser neighbor sent a letter to the Chief of Police that I still hadn't switched my license plates from VA to MA. A cop showed up on my porch to tell me he'd be taking me to court if I didn't get it resolved. So, in the middle of one of the most stressful weeks of my life, I had to spend 3 hours (and hundreds of dollars that I can't afford) at the DMV. With a 2 year old. It was about as fun as you'd think.

My head is going to explode.

Tomorrow I will write about the fantastic week Jeb and I had despite my wanting to puke and/or cry at any minute. I refuse to let money make me unhappy.

Whirlwind

I feel like the weeks are whizzing by at the speed of light. I keep waiting for everything to slow down, just a little bit. I think after next week when X is over we can chill or once X month has passed things will slow down. IT NEVER SEEMS TO HAPPEN. As soon as we get past X month or X event, obviously another one pops up. Appointments, B travelling for work, birthdays, oil changes (I really need to get my oil changed!!), dinners with MIL because she doesn't get to see Jeb all that much, play dates squeezed in because I haven't seen my friends in months, etc. Oh, and working full time nights. And owning a small business. And being landlords. And keeping a household running (somewhat) smoothly. And the toddler that simultaneously makes life faster and more intense, and also throws a huge wrench into any sense of efficiency when it comes to taking care of anything else.

There are ~3 evenings a week that are strictly family time, and I guard that time fiercely. (The other evenings are: work-3 MIL-1) They are my favorite. I wish all day everyday were Family Time. Jeb loves Family Time. I can see it written all over his face that he just loves nothing more than when the 3 of us are together, just being together. I feel the same way.

It's hard to find the balance of enjoying the here and now, when here and now is such a whirlwind. My biggest fear is that I'll look back and think I didn't enjoy the craziness of a young family while it was happening. There are many days when I resist and resent the craziness. I want just a little more down time. A little more prep time. A little more room for spontaneity. More mornings in bed lounging with my husband while the nanny makes breakfast for Jeb and puts out fresh coffee and fruit for whenever we make our way downstairs........ Ok, that might be a little much.

So, things are not going to slow down. In fact they will probably continue to speed on full blast for some time. It might sound silly, but this is actually just kind of dawning on me. Life will continue to be fast, and intense, and full, and I have no choice but to keep up. And enjoy it.

Balance in 2010

Like half (or more) of Americans, I am trying to lose some weight this month/year. 2009 was so busy and stressful, 30 pounds crept on. I had gotten up to the weight I was at 42 weeks pregnant; talk about depressing. None of my clothes fit, I went out and bought a couple pair of pants and they were a size I'd not seen before. Now, I usually don't typically get wrapped up in my weight, or diets. I have an ~8 lb window that I bounce around in, but right now I am way over that window. Even now though, I feel like I look pretty OK, my husband tells me I'm totally hot every day, my self esteem is intact... I just don't feel great at this weight. So, I've started running. Running is always my go-to; I was an avid runner in my teens and early 20s. My MIL gave us her treadmill, which is now in my basement, and I've been climbing on for 30 minutes 5-6 times per week. It feels terrific. I feel terrific. I can't believe how my energy level has picked up, and my daily anxiety has subsided significantly. I've never enjoyed running as much as I am right now, probably because it used to feel like a chore but now it feels like an escape. Some ME time. A chance to clear my head and do something that puts me in a good mood for hours. Whenever I'm in a good exercise phase, my eating improves because I don't want to un-do my work. So I've been eating better (but nothing extreme) as well: bonus.

So today, as I moved from warm up speed to high(er) speed and started to get into my groove I found myself thinking about Balance. What an incredible task it is to find balance as a mother, especially a working mother. Jeb is now 2 years and 1 month old, and I feel like I am just now settling into a rhythm; I am just now juggling all the balls with some success at keeping them all in the air. Twenty five months this has taken me. In all my naivete, I thought by 3 months old it would be old hat. Ha! Although, had someone told me it would take 25, I probably would have punched them out of frustration. It could possibly have happened a bit sooner had we not moved 500 miles and started a business last Spring, but who knows.

As I thought more about Balance, I tried to figure out the how? and the why? because, well, I had 24 more minutes left on the tread mill. As a newborn and infant, Jeb required 90% of my everything. My physical energy, my mental energy, my time, my boobs, my sleep, my attention. I tried to divide my other 10% amongst: work, husband, self, house, misc. This was difficult and really, impossible, because giving 2% each to the other demands is essentially giving ZERO. It was also impossible because I could barely think straight let alone figure out what it meant to give 2% to my husband etc. Oh, and if it happened to be nephew/aunt/mom's birthday this week? Forget it, buying a card and present and getting it mailed took all of that left over 10%. So, I spent most of the first year in absolute un-Balance, and feeling really shitty about it. Everyone else seemed to have it together so much better! Other babies slept through the night! Other women enjoyed going to work! Other couples were going on dates! Well, I can't speak to any of them. Maybe they were fudging the facts, or maybe they weren't. I soon learned that the 3.5% of energy it took to compare myself to them wasn't worth it, since it could be used to scrub a toilet or mail a birthday card.

Things got better in year 2, despite the half dozen major life changes we took on. I stopped crying when I went to work. Husband and I had more time together as Jeb got a little more independant; and by this I mean Jeb would play with a toy for 15 minutes while we had a conversation as B cooked dinner and I wrote out the bills. Whatever, it felt like progress. Unfortunately the 'self' category always gets pushed down to the bottom of the list. Here is where my beloved tread mill re-enters the conversation. For the first time since Jeb has been born, I am carving out a little time to do something for myself. (You know, just like the parenting magazines say to do in a 4 sentence paragraph that addresses NONE of the other realities of what it takes to be a mom. But, I digress...) It's not a once-every-other-month outing with the girls, which really only ever served to make me miss my care-free spontaneous lifestyle. It's not a play date where another mom and I scream over the din discussing molars and bowel patterns. (Although, I really do love play dates.) It's 30 minutes for me to do something that makes me feel physically great and mentally recharged. And! And! It's guilt free because it's in my basement! I don't have to leave the family for an hour or more to go to the gym, feeling like I'm away from Jeb for even more time. It's Balance. For the first time, I feel like I am present at work and able to do my job well. I feel completely connected to my husband and both of our relationship needs are being met; we are in 'team' mode and operating like clock work. I know Jeb is thriving, and has fun every day. My house is in pretty good order; not perfect, but clean and mostly organized. Birthday cards are sent, and it's not an entire day's excursion. Of course things will come up and temporarily disrupt the precious balance, but I also now have an appreciation for the fact that most issues are not catastrophic, and order will return.

Ironically, this new found calm leaves me thinking: We should have another baby!

Haha, not for some time though. I'm really really really looking forward to a year filled with Balance, time with my husband and son, and a rhythm of just living.

Unabashed Bragging on the Husband

This picture is a couple of months old, but it is my fav of my boys.

I am so blessed to have my husband. I have known him for over 17 years. When we were 13 he told me he wanted to marry me. We spent our teen years as best best friends, but then went separate ways for college. We got back together 6 years ago, and my life with him is better than I ever could have hoped for.

He is a Man. He is strong, and calm, and capable. He has more integrity in his pinkie finger than many people have in their whole body. He is honest, and diplomatic, and hysterical. We laugh constantly. He loves me with a depth I barely understand. My happiness is his first priority; he shows it daily in countless ways. He calls me on his lunch break to tell me he misses me. I am head over heals in love with him; his strong arms are my Safe Place.

He is an amazing father. He is always on the floor, playing with J and reading him books. He puts him to bed every single night. When I am at work, they do the laundry together. He knows just as much as I do about vaccines, and breastfeeding, and what to do for J's occasional bouts of constipation. He is truly a hands-on Dad.

Giving my son this incredible man for a father is one of the best things I could have ever given him. B is the man I hope J will be one day, too. He represents so much of what I couldn't give C. I hate that many boys grow up with out such a strong role model. My son is one lucky kid to have the dad he has.