Thursday, August 12, 2010

TPR too early.

(Warning: a good bit of F bombs are dropped. I couldn't help it.)

It's been a while since I've written anything of substance. My work schedule sucked for the last week, and before that I was just plain hot and tired. I'm now on a mini vacay, and had lots of things I wanted to post about, just for my own record. This summer has been awesome, and I want to have as many memories recorded as possible.

And then, I read about a potential adoption and TPR "hopefully happening this weekend before discharge". This was written before the baby was even BORN.

I'd heard about TPR being signed in the hospital before, maybe 10+ years ago, and it seemed so barbaric, I was sure it had been done away with.

I am birthmother who was VERY confident and OK with her decision, so there's not terribly much I get up in arms about wrt adoption. I feel like I can appreciate each side, even though I've only lived 1 side.

I can hope to understand an adoptee's sense of loss, and I can hope to understand an adopter's sense of longing, and I try to only LISTEN when those members speak.


First, the hormonal TSUNAMI going on is reason alone not to make such an enormous decision!!! Let me say that again: 2 fucking days after giving birth? You are in a HORMONAL TSUNAMI. Remember those days of infertility drugs? Times that by about a million.

And what? Better get those papers signed before she changes her mind? UM! HELLO! And what? If she changes her mind a week later but the papers are already signed, what? We all do a collective "PHEW!" and pat ourselves on the back for "saving" her baby? Or worse, keeping the adoptive parents money? UN-FUCKING-ETHICAL. I'm going to say something radical: BIRTHMOM NEEDS THE TIME AND THE OPTION TO CHANGE HER MIND. SHE IS NOT A BIRTHMOM AT THE MOMENT OF BIRTH.

Thank God, I placed in Rhode Island. (A state that doesn't do much of anything right, imo, but does this right) According to RI law, I couldn't sign TPR until at least 30 days post birth. Colin's parents could take him, or if they were nervous about the risk and didn't want to take him until after, that was an option. I know the surface argument is about attachment and bonding and limbo, and they are all valid. Attachment, bonding, and aparents living in limbo are all very important things. But those things can still be accomplished and rectified while still giving the birthmom more than 2 damn days. I cannot fucking imagine sitting in a hospital bed, recovering from birth, bleeding, dripping milk, hormonal, vulnerable, not in my own environment, possibly completely ALONE, and having a fucking LAWYER give me papers and STAND over my hospital bed, while I don't even have actual CLOTHES on and ask me to make an irreversible decision about my baby.


TPR should be final, but not premature. I'm not advocating for the loosey-goosey laws that allow birthparents to fight for toddlers and destroy families. I'm talking about respect, and a reasonable amount of time so as to empower birth mothers. When I signed, I did not feel taken advantage of, I felt proactive, I felt like I was mindful and aware.

What? Are agencies too terrified that too many potential birth mothers will not place? Well shame on them.

Asking a woman to sign TPR in the hospital feels like Baby Stealing.

I'd love to hear any thoughts on this, as it is clearly my most trigger-y adoption issue.

1 comment:

  1. I totally agree with you. I think that FL might have whacky laws such as this. I also think it's totally unacceptable. As an adoptive mom, it was really hard leaving the hospital with Nora because I felt like I was taking someone's baby and felt a lot of guilt. Our situation was ideal and both birthparents were completely resolved in their decision (and signed papers weeks afterward) but I still felt a lot of guilt. I can't even imagine the sense of guilt I'd feel if I felt like our birthmom was pressured to sign anything. I agree- totally horrible and not a win for anyone.