I have been mulling over and over in my head whether or not to do this, to respond full-post-style to this post over at The Adoptive Parent. I first read the post a few days ago, and it's been bugging me ever since, so I decided to go for it.
I really like that blog, and Sally, especially since I won her book ;). So nothing I'm saying here is meant to offend. One of the reasons I really liked her book was that it gave me a terrific view into an adoptive mom's head and heart. It's a perspective I'll never know; even if I were to adopt in the future, it wouldn't be the same. I rely on people like Sally to tell me what it's like to be an amom, and I believe what they tell me.
Her post about birthparents really did not give us the same respect.
S: Honestly, I don't understand making that decision.
This Birthmom: Understandable. It's one of those things you can't understand until you're there.
S: You chose to walk out of your child's life because you love them?
TB: Actually, yes. It's more complicated than that, but at the root, yes.
S: Tell me you took on two jobs to make ends meet, etc...
TB: Wow, what a slap in the face. Are you saying you don't find my expression of love worthy? I should have done any of the things you wrote to prove my love? This felt very judgemental.
S: My point is that I believe birth parents love their children, but I don't believe that's why they choose adoption.
TB: Why wouldn't you believe what birth parents tell you? We are not able to articulate our own feelings? It's pretty condescending to assume you know better what we mean than we do. If your child's birthmom explains to him that she placed out of love, are you going to correct her?
S: I believe that birth parents choose adoption not because they love their children, but in spite of how much they love their children.
TB: Nope, again. It is possible to place a baby because you love him.
S: It is a matter of putting your child's needs in place of your own. Choosing adoption means choosing to meet your child's needs instead of your own.
TB: Placing my son for adoption met needs I had, too. Maybe it sounds harsh, but I would not have been able to direct my life the way I wanted to, and meet my full potential while parenting at that time. That was a big part of my decision.
At the beginning of her post, she initially admitted that she didn't understand making the decision to place. So, why is she turning things all around? To make sense of it in her own head? You don't have to understand this thing to respect it. It doesn't make sense, to on one hand say that you don't understand something, and then on the other go to great lengths to explain it, almost from a birth mother's perspective. Please, don't interpret what I say, just hear it.
There is no way for an amom to put herself in the shoes of a birthmom. Placing a baby is the polar opposite to infertility etc. If my reasons don't make sense to an amom, OK, so be it. But they are still my reasons. It's not that I'm confused, it's that we are coming at this thing from completely different angles, places, experiences, feelings, and circumstances.
I really really really, can't express enough how much I don't want this whole post to come off as angry or offensive. It's my reaction, and a contribution to the dialogue, that is all.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Another instance where I'm not sure what I'm doing.
(I started this post days ago. Ever think time is passing slowly? Start a blog. You won't believe how fast time flies between posts ;))
We had a perfectly lovely day. Until 630pm. Before that, I ran a 5k here in town, in the most perfect weather. After my race, we had my mom, my sister, my niece and nephew, and my mother-in-law over for a terrific cook out, also in perfect weather. The macaroni salad was just right, the burgers were perfect, and the sangria was wonderful.
And then everyone left, and Jeb had the meltdown of his life. He raged until he was hoarse. It was agony for all of us.
He's been going through something in the last few weeks. When he was 8 months old, I rhetorically asked a friend "what happened to my delightful 7 month old?" She said -- "it's a developmental bitch fest". I thought it was the most brilliant phrase I'd ever heard. Sometimes these small children are growing/learning/developing so freaking fast they can't even handle it. So, Jeb may be going through a developmental bitchfest right now, or it may be the (difficult for all of us) transition into daycare, or like many other times I may never know what it is and we'll just live through it.
In any case, this child is having MAJOR separation issues. He used to be okay with me going to work in the evenings, now he wails for an hour. He is glued to my side when I am home. He's always been a clingy kind of kid, but this is extreme.
I don't mind him needing me more at times, I just hate not knowing what is going on. Or what he needs specifically. Or where to draw the line between being sensitive to what he's processing, and coddling. Two days a week, I have to tell him sorry, baby, you have to go to daycare today even though you don't want to. It's hard. For everyone.
That cliche about kids needing to come with hand books? So. True. I feel like I am winging it most of the time, and then I worry that Jeb will pick up on the fact that I am winging it and that will make him feel insecure. Meta-anxiety. Awesome.
We had a perfectly lovely day. Until 630pm. Before that, I ran a 5k here in town, in the most perfect weather. After my race, we had my mom, my sister, my niece and nephew, and my mother-in-law over for a terrific cook out, also in perfect weather. The macaroni salad was just right, the burgers were perfect, and the sangria was wonderful.
And then everyone left, and Jeb had the meltdown of his life. He raged until he was hoarse. It was agony for all of us.
He's been going through something in the last few weeks. When he was 8 months old, I rhetorically asked a friend "what happened to my delightful 7 month old?" She said -- "it's a developmental bitch fest". I thought it was the most brilliant phrase I'd ever heard. Sometimes these small children are growing/learning/developing so freaking fast they can't even handle it. So, Jeb may be going through a developmental bitchfest right now, or it may be the (difficult for all of us) transition into daycare, or like many other times I may never know what it is and we'll just live through it.
In any case, this child is having MAJOR separation issues. He used to be okay with me going to work in the evenings, now he wails for an hour. He is glued to my side when I am home. He's always been a clingy kind of kid, but this is extreme.
I don't mind him needing me more at times, I just hate not knowing what is going on. Or what he needs specifically. Or where to draw the line between being sensitive to what he's processing, and coddling. Two days a week, I have to tell him sorry, baby, you have to go to daycare today even though you don't want to. It's hard. For everyone.
That cliche about kids needing to come with hand books? So. True. I feel like I am winging it most of the time, and then I worry that Jeb will pick up on the fact that I am winging it and that will make him feel insecure. Meta-anxiety. Awesome.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
I won a book!
I was the winner of a giveaway! I won Sally Bacchetta's (Adoptive Parent) book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know.
First, doesn't it just feel so good to win something? ;)
Second, WOW. It's terrific. At 106 pages, it's not long, but it is packed. In fact, I'm only on page 32, because I am pacing myself. I have no doubt I could read it in one evening, because when this subject matter is close to home, you drink in every word and can't get enough. I am limiting myself to 1 chapter per night, and I've even already re-read some. Every paragraph is so rich, and though it's hard to put it down, I know I want to process it slowly. I want to chew on each chapter, and learn and reflect as much as possible. I have no doubt I will read it many times before it stops teaching me.
Some parts are hard to read, I'll be honest. I've even had a few knee-jerk reactions that have left me feeling defensive. I'm far enough into my birthmotherhood, though, to look for the truth in those moments. And it is always there. One thing I hate about adoption in general is that each member of the triad is constantly challenged, and obligated, to accept/learn from the parts that are yucky. There are always more vegetables to eat.
I love the concept of the book. I love the gift that it gives adoptees. I love the window it gives me into the other side of this whole thing. It make me wonder, even more, what my birth son needs to hear from me. I feel silly saying it, but I had a better grip on what he needed from me when he was much younger. It was so simple then: I'm your birth mother. You grew in my belly. I chose your mommy and daddy because I wasn't ready or able to be a mommy. I loved you then and I love you now. I will always be a part of your life to help you understand. Um, now I'm to the last part and I'm not sure I even know what he needs in order to help him understand. I think I understand it less than I used to. This is not regret, it's part of birth parenting, I think. Just like how as a parent I don't have all the answers, as a birth parent I don't either. Colin and I have had a few of the conversations you fantasize about in the early years. I've told him my version, my side. I've offered a listening ear countless times, and in true 'tween boy fashion, he doesn't tend to pour his heart out to me. I've written him letters, and tried to give opportunities to talk about the Tough Stuff, but I get the feeling that he's uncomfortable being put on the spot. (Shocking! Right?) My hope is that even though he's been quiet when I've offered to listen, the message is still getting across. That he feels comforted knowing I care enough to offer. Repeatedly. That I'm always available. I email him regularly, and he responds sometimes, but not always. I usually tell him about random things that have made me think of him throughout my days, and I hope that he gets the sense that he is important to me and certainly on my mind. Is it enough?
Adoption professionals always talk about how even if an adoptee is quiet, don't assume they don't have questions, or want to talk about stuff. I totally get that, but then how do I know what to bring up? I don't want to inundate this kid with heavy stuff if he happens to be in the middle of some other adolescent struggle totally not related to adoption. I know at his age, what's on his mind most can change week to week. In some sense, I want to follow his lead. But he may not be able to take the lead. How do I handle this? I should ask his mom. She'll know much better where he is with everything. She'll know whether or not he needs support on this front right now or not. Moms always know :)
Adoption is a journey. Adoption is a journey. Adoption is a journey.
First, doesn't it just feel so good to win something? ;)
Second, WOW. It's terrific. At 106 pages, it's not long, but it is packed. In fact, I'm only on page 32, because I am pacing myself. I have no doubt I could read it in one evening, because when this subject matter is close to home, you drink in every word and can't get enough. I am limiting myself to 1 chapter per night, and I've even already re-read some. Every paragraph is so rich, and though it's hard to put it down, I know I want to process it slowly. I want to chew on each chapter, and learn and reflect as much as possible. I have no doubt I will read it many times before it stops teaching me.
Some parts are hard to read, I'll be honest. I've even had a few knee-jerk reactions that have left me feeling defensive. I'm far enough into my birthmotherhood, though, to look for the truth in those moments. And it is always there. One thing I hate about adoption in general is that each member of the triad is constantly challenged, and obligated, to accept/learn from the parts that are yucky. There are always more vegetables to eat.
I love the concept of the book. I love the gift that it gives adoptees. I love the window it gives me into the other side of this whole thing. It make me wonder, even more, what my birth son needs to hear from me. I feel silly saying it, but I had a better grip on what he needed from me when he was much younger. It was so simple then: I'm your birth mother. You grew in my belly. I chose your mommy and daddy because I wasn't ready or able to be a mommy. I loved you then and I love you now. I will always be a part of your life to help you understand. Um, now I'm to the last part and I'm not sure I even know what he needs in order to help him understand. I think I understand it less than I used to. This is not regret, it's part of birth parenting, I think. Just like how as a parent I don't have all the answers, as a birth parent I don't either. Colin and I have had a few of the conversations you fantasize about in the early years. I've told him my version, my side. I've offered a listening ear countless times, and in true 'tween boy fashion, he doesn't tend to pour his heart out to me. I've written him letters, and tried to give opportunities to talk about the Tough Stuff, but I get the feeling that he's uncomfortable being put on the spot. (Shocking! Right?) My hope is that even though he's been quiet when I've offered to listen, the message is still getting across. That he feels comforted knowing I care enough to offer. Repeatedly. That I'm always available. I email him regularly, and he responds sometimes, but not always. I usually tell him about random things that have made me think of him throughout my days, and I hope that he gets the sense that he is important to me and certainly on my mind. Is it enough?
Adoption professionals always talk about how even if an adoptee is quiet, don't assume they don't have questions, or want to talk about stuff. I totally get that, but then how do I know what to bring up? I don't want to inundate this kid with heavy stuff if he happens to be in the middle of some other adolescent struggle totally not related to adoption. I know at his age, what's on his mind most can change week to week. In some sense, I want to follow his lead. But he may not be able to take the lead. How do I handle this? I should ask his mom. She'll know much better where he is with everything. She'll know whether or not he needs support on this front right now or not. Moms always know :)
Adoption is a journey. Adoption is a journey. Adoption is a journey.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
It's April
What is it about the calender saying APRIL that just feels so damn good? Maybe it's that March always feels like the longest, drab-est month, here in New England. While we still may have some cold nights and gray days, it won't feel so terrible because it's April. It has to warm up soon.
Jeb started daycare yesterday and did great. He was so excited to go play with kids, and proudly carried his tool-box-turned-lunch-box. We don't keep juice in the house, and when he heard he'd get to have juice with a snack at daycare, he was completely sold. When I picked him up in the afternoon, he looked drained and somewhat overstimulated, but happy. It's a long day for a toddler who's not used to that environment! I worked last night, and slept like a rock all day. I woke up, went for a run, took a shower, and picked him up by 4. This is going to be a great schedule for us once we really find our groove. We are scraping up the money, and it will all be fine. I only sent 1 pair of shoes, though, shhhh! Don't tell!
Can I just say how excited I am to play the Easter Bunny this weekend? I've been telling Jeb that in a few nights, while he sleeps, the Easter Bunny will come and leave treats and toys in a basket for him. The other day, he was asking me about a "bucket of chocolate". I was totally confused until it dawned on me. I said "are you talking about the basket with treats that the EB will leave you?" His face LIT UP and he yelled "yes! yes!". I cannot wait to see his face Sunday morning!
Oh, I am just so happy it's April. For the last 6 or 8 months, one of my mantras has been just make it to April. I knew by April, business would be better, the weather would turn, and we'd have our first year of the business behind us. It's been such a huge focal point for me, a giant milestone. I've made it. I made it to April. I don't know what my next milestone will be, or if the metaphorical clouds will parts as much as I've fantasized about, and that's OK for now. Right now, I just want to sit with the calm that I feel knowing we made it to April.
Spring, I have never looked so forward to enjoying your simple gifts. Longer days. Warmer evenings. Planting the garden. Listening to the birds. Casting aside heavy coats. Sleeping with a window open. Smelling the air. Coloring eggs :)
Jeb started daycare yesterday and did great. He was so excited to go play with kids, and proudly carried his tool-box-turned-lunch-box. We don't keep juice in the house, and when he heard he'd get to have juice with a snack at daycare, he was completely sold. When I picked him up in the afternoon, he looked drained and somewhat overstimulated, but happy. It's a long day for a toddler who's not used to that environment! I worked last night, and slept like a rock all day. I woke up, went for a run, took a shower, and picked him up by 4. This is going to be a great schedule for us once we really find our groove. We are scraping up the money, and it will all be fine. I only sent 1 pair of shoes, though, shhhh! Don't tell!
Can I just say how excited I am to play the Easter Bunny this weekend? I've been telling Jeb that in a few nights, while he sleeps, the Easter Bunny will come and leave treats and toys in a basket for him. The other day, he was asking me about a "bucket of chocolate". I was totally confused until it dawned on me. I said "are you talking about the basket with treats that the EB will leave you?" His face LIT UP and he yelled "yes! yes!". I cannot wait to see his face Sunday morning!
Oh, I am just so happy it's April. For the last 6 or 8 months, one of my mantras has been just make it to April. I knew by April, business would be better, the weather would turn, and we'd have our first year of the business behind us. It's been such a huge focal point for me, a giant milestone. I've made it. I made it to April. I don't know what my next milestone will be, or if the metaphorical clouds will parts as much as I've fantasized about, and that's OK for now. Right now, I just want to sit with the calm that I feel knowing we made it to April.
Spring, I have never looked so forward to enjoying your simple gifts. Longer days. Warmer evenings. Planting the garden. Listening to the birds. Casting aside heavy coats. Sleeping with a window open. Smelling the air. Coloring eggs :)
Friday, March 26, 2010
16 and Pregnant
I don't typically watch the show, but I happened to be flipping around and found the episode about the girl considering placing her baby. She is an adoptee and her parents really really want her to place.
What a tough situation. Some of the things the mom says are way out of line, in my opinion. They really border on coercion, which makes me feel all sorts of icky inside. On the flip side, if this girl parents, her parents are taking on a huge commitment too. Whether they like it or not, they are going to help out a lot. Should the parents have some say? My gut says "no", it's really only the girl's decision, but it's hard because it affects so many people.
It's obvious the girl's mom is very pro-adoption; of course she is, it allowed her to have a family. It's almost like she is taking it personally that the girl is hesitant. The mom talks often about how much better the girl's life has been because of the choice that her birthmom made. (wow, this would have been easier to write about had I remembered any names!) I think it is really unfair of the mom to play on the girl's emotions like that. Every adoption is its own situation. Every adoptee who has an unintentional pregnancy isn't obligated to choose adoption as well as a sign to the world that they are cool with their own adoption! How crazy! Also, the girl seems to be processing her own feelings of loss wrt her adoption; I'm sure she is thinking about some feelings she would like to spare her own child. What an incredibly loaded situation. I wish the mom would back off; if this girl does choose to place, she needs to be able to own that decision and not look back years from now and think she got coerced.
I think this this is about as hard as a situation can get. If girl wants to parent and her parents are supportive: fantastic. If girl wants to place and her parents are supportive: also fantastic. If girl wants to place and her parents want her to parent: that's sad, but girl's parents will have to deal with it. But this? Girl wants to parent and needs her parents help but they are not supportive? Hard, hard, hard.
I really just should not watch the show. Most of the situations they follow are total trainwrecks, and the adoption stories are too triggery. I can't stand watching such a difficult decision get exploited.
What a tough situation. Some of the things the mom says are way out of line, in my opinion. They really border on coercion, which makes me feel all sorts of icky inside. On the flip side, if this girl parents, her parents are taking on a huge commitment too. Whether they like it or not, they are going to help out a lot. Should the parents have some say? My gut says "no", it's really only the girl's decision, but it's hard because it affects so many people.
It's obvious the girl's mom is very pro-adoption; of course she is, it allowed her to have a family. It's almost like she is taking it personally that the girl is hesitant. The mom talks often about how much better the girl's life has been because of the choice that her birthmom made. (wow, this would have been easier to write about had I remembered any names!) I think it is really unfair of the mom to play on the girl's emotions like that. Every adoption is its own situation. Every adoptee who has an unintentional pregnancy isn't obligated to choose adoption as well as a sign to the world that they are cool with their own adoption! How crazy! Also, the girl seems to be processing her own feelings of loss wrt her adoption; I'm sure she is thinking about some feelings she would like to spare her own child. What an incredibly loaded situation. I wish the mom would back off; if this girl does choose to place, she needs to be able to own that decision and not look back years from now and think she got coerced.
I think this this is about as hard as a situation can get. If girl wants to parent and her parents are supportive: fantastic. If girl wants to place and her parents are supportive: also fantastic. If girl wants to place and her parents want her to parent: that's sad, but girl's parents will have to deal with it. But this? Girl wants to parent and needs her parents help but they are not supportive? Hard, hard, hard.
I really just should not watch the show. Most of the situations they follow are total trainwrecks, and the adoption stories are too triggery. I can't stand watching such a difficult decision get exploited.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Photo Post!
This is a glimpse into our lives over the last 6 weeks. Apparently there's been a lot of naked time. We were bored, and are ready for Spring!
That face kills me :)
Peek-a-boo!
Watching the Cable Dude do something cool. Notice the shoes on the couch... it was a Daddy and Jeb day ;)
Sometimes this is the easiest way to get Jeb to wash his hands:
I cut a "house" out of the box his new car seat came in. He L O V E D it.
He brought all of his Important Things inside: a dumptruck, pliers, snack, water, and a book.
Mama and Jeb. (Man, I look tired.)
He was quiet for a few minutes, and I found this in the bathroom:
No more onsies :( My boy is big enough for wife beaters now.
This is how Jeb feels about getting his teeth brushed:
My mom was on her way over with her dog; Jeb waited by the window with treats for the dog ready to go. So sweet.
I'm looking forward to the next months' photos full of sand boxes and swings and grass!!
That face kills me :)
Peek-a-boo!
Watching the Cable Dude do something cool. Notice the shoes on the couch... it was a Daddy and Jeb day ;)
Sometimes this is the easiest way to get Jeb to wash his hands:
I cut a "house" out of the box his new car seat came in. He L O V E D it.
He brought all of his Important Things inside: a dumptruck, pliers, snack, water, and a book.
Mama and Jeb. (Man, I look tired.)
He was quiet for a few minutes, and I found this in the bathroom:
No more onsies :( My boy is big enough for wife beaters now.
This is how Jeb feels about getting his teeth brushed:
My mom was on her way over with her dog; Jeb waited by the window with treats for the dog ready to go. So sweet.
I'm looking forward to the next months' photos full of sand boxes and swings and grass!!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Rambling about Daycare at the end of a night shift. Clever title, eh?
Daycare is one of the most annoying parts of being a parent. And I don't mean annoying like when your kid says "mama!" for the 908734127846th time that day but then flashes the cutest effing smile you've ever seen, so it's cool. It's just annoying. There is not one cute or redeeming thing about having to have daycare in your life. Oh, except the part where it enables you to have a job.
What's weird is that I really really REALLY look forward to Jeb's school years. Not as in I-can't-wait-for-him-to-be-out-of-the-house-for-6-hours-everyday; more like I can't wait to see what his future classrooms look like. And pick out his terrible painting amongst all the other terrible paintings hung in the hallway outside the classroom. And meet his teacher, who will want to talk to me about Jeb! My fav subject! And smell that distinct elementary school smell again, only love it even more. And give him milk money. And watch him walk down the hallway at school with a mostly empty, too big back pack on his back. Sometimes I imagine him with glasses and it gives me an extra squee!!! (I really wouldn't wish vision troubles on him at a young age, I just think they are damn cute.) ANYWAY. My point is that I know a lot of parents who refer to their toddler's child care provider as "school". I think it sounds weird to talk about sending my 2 year old to school. It sounds like I'm trying to put a better spin on it. Nope, my kid will go to Daycare, and I take ownership of the word. I am eternally less excited about Daycare than I am about Future School, even though the place is fraught with cute, terrible paintings. Why does a small blue chair at Future School sound totally awesomely adorable, but that same chair at Daycare is not exciting to me at all?
It's not even that I am philosophically opposed to daycare. Many people assume I should be opposed to it; my mother -- who is a nanny -- is one of them, which I find slightly ironic. One of my co-workers is apparently another one. She asked me last week, when I was talking about having to scramble to find a day care, but don't you have any *family*? Why yes, thank you, but weirdly they have to work for a living as well. Thanks for the brilliant tip that I would never had thought of. Oh right! My totally awesome, energetic, kid loving, puppy owning, game playing, zoo visiting, swing set owning relative who doesn't have to work will be perfect! Silly Patti didn't think of her ;)
Back to my original point -- Daycare is very annoying in several ways.
There is the scrambling factor: I'm not unusual in that my need for new Daycare is the result of abruptly losing old child care. So, fitting sifting/interviewing/researching new possibilities into my schedule RIGHT NOW is challenging. I'm not incredibly picky, I'm looking for the basics, you know, safety/fun/learning. But it's a scramble, and I am also processing the fact that this will still be a big change, and dammit! Why can't everything just stay the same for ever and ever and ever?!
There is the scheduling factor: Is it a 2 day program? 3 days? Do the days have to be the same every week? Can they fluctuate? What if they are not at max capacity? Can we have more flexibility in that case? What are the ratios, and how do they affect our scheduling? Will my boss work with me on changing my work schedule around?
There is the weird-policy factor: At Jeb's new home away from home, he cannot wear clothes with a drawstring. Does that include hooded sweatshirts? He has some pants that are elastic waist, but with a mock tied drawstring, are they OK? Are they worried Jeb's peer will rip of that 2 inches of fake drawstring and injure himself? Also, I have to provide 2 full spare outfits to be left there. Cool, no problem, Jeb frequently goes through a couple of shirts per day. But they want 2 pair of shoes as well. Honestly? Jeb has never gone through 3 pair of shoes in a day. Which means the spare shoes are really just going to sit in a cute cubby and go, for the most part, unworn. The really annoying part? Like most toddlers, Jeb grows out of shoes at a pretty good clip. So, that's lots of pairs of unworn shoes that I am going to be buying. Annoying.
There is the logistics/paperwork factor: Some piece of paper is going to have to be signed by a Pediatrician saying Jeb doesn't have the plague. Annoying part? I just switched Peds. Will new Ped sign the paper given we haven't had an appt with him ever? Will old Ped sign the paper given Jeb is no longer her patient? We have not fully vaccinated (cue scary music), this might be a giant effing road block.
The least annoying part? Is really the money. I've mentioned how I don't actually have any, so it's going to be tough, but not annoying. The Daycare we've chosen (and will hopefully accept us) seems to be full of fantastic, educated people who are nuts about kids. I think Jeb is really going to love it. So, handing over a bunch of money knowing Jeb is being well cared for? Not annoying in the slightest.
I would really love to stay home, I really would. But Jeb enjoys, you know, eating. That selfish bastard. I just hope he's ready to live drawstring-free. We all have to make sacrifices, right?
What's weird is that I really really REALLY look forward to Jeb's school years. Not as in I-can't-wait-for-him-to-be-out-of-the-house-for-6-hours-everyday; more like I can't wait to see what his future classrooms look like. And pick out his terrible painting amongst all the other terrible paintings hung in the hallway outside the classroom. And meet his teacher, who will want to talk to me about Jeb! My fav subject! And smell that distinct elementary school smell again, only love it even more. And give him milk money. And watch him walk down the hallway at school with a mostly empty, too big back pack on his back. Sometimes I imagine him with glasses and it gives me an extra squee!!! (I really wouldn't wish vision troubles on him at a young age, I just think they are damn cute.) ANYWAY. My point is that I know a lot of parents who refer to their toddler's child care provider as "school". I think it sounds weird to talk about sending my 2 year old to school. It sounds like I'm trying to put a better spin on it. Nope, my kid will go to Daycare, and I take ownership of the word. I am eternally less excited about Daycare than I am about Future School, even though the place is fraught with cute, terrible paintings. Why does a small blue chair at Future School sound totally awesomely adorable, but that same chair at Daycare is not exciting to me at all?
It's not even that I am philosophically opposed to daycare. Many people assume I should be opposed to it; my mother -- who is a nanny -- is one of them, which I find slightly ironic. One of my co-workers is apparently another one. She asked me last week, when I was talking about having to scramble to find a day care, but don't you have any *family*? Why yes, thank you, but weirdly they have to work for a living as well. Thanks for the brilliant tip that I would never had thought of. Oh right! My totally awesome, energetic, kid loving, puppy owning, game playing, zoo visiting, swing set owning relative who doesn't have to work will be perfect! Silly Patti didn't think of her ;)
Back to my original point -- Daycare is very annoying in several ways.
There is the scrambling factor: I'm not unusual in that my need for new Daycare is the result of abruptly losing old child care. So, fitting sifting/interviewing/researching new possibilities into my schedule RIGHT NOW is challenging. I'm not incredibly picky, I'm looking for the basics, you know, safety/fun/learning. But it's a scramble, and I am also processing the fact that this will still be a big change, and dammit! Why can't everything just stay the same for ever and ever and ever?!
There is the scheduling factor: Is it a 2 day program? 3 days? Do the days have to be the same every week? Can they fluctuate? What if they are not at max capacity? Can we have more flexibility in that case? What are the ratios, and how do they affect our scheduling? Will my boss work with me on changing my work schedule around?
There is the weird-policy factor: At Jeb's new home away from home, he cannot wear clothes with a drawstring. Does that include hooded sweatshirts? He has some pants that are elastic waist, but with a mock tied drawstring, are they OK? Are they worried Jeb's peer will rip of that 2 inches of fake drawstring and injure himself? Also, I have to provide 2 full spare outfits to be left there. Cool, no problem, Jeb frequently goes through a couple of shirts per day. But they want 2 pair of shoes as well. Honestly? Jeb has never gone through 3 pair of shoes in a day. Which means the spare shoes are really just going to sit in a cute cubby and go, for the most part, unworn. The really annoying part? Like most toddlers, Jeb grows out of shoes at a pretty good clip. So, that's lots of pairs of unworn shoes that I am going to be buying. Annoying.
There is the logistics/paperwork factor: Some piece of paper is going to have to be signed by a Pediatrician saying Jeb doesn't have the plague. Annoying part? I just switched Peds. Will new Ped sign the paper given we haven't had an appt with him ever? Will old Ped sign the paper given Jeb is no longer her patient? We have not fully vaccinated (cue scary music), this might be a giant effing road block.
The least annoying part? Is really the money. I've mentioned how I don't actually have any, so it's going to be tough, but not annoying. The Daycare we've chosen (and will hopefully accept us) seems to be full of fantastic, educated people who are nuts about kids. I think Jeb is really going to love it. So, handing over a bunch of money knowing Jeb is being well cared for? Not annoying in the slightest.
I would really love to stay home, I really would. But Jeb enjoys, you know, eating. That selfish bastard. I just hope he's ready to live drawstring-free. We all have to make sacrifices, right?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)