Today was an incredibly sunny, warm day, but kind of poopy in general. Not a total wash, but just, meh.
- Jeb didn't sleep well last night = I didn't sleep well last night = sluggish morning = not the greatest start to the day.
+ Story Time at the library rocked, as usual, and thank God, because if not for that motivation we might have wasted the entire day.
- I have some kind of infected cyst on my forehead. It hurts, and it's swollen, and it's embarrassing. I have a derm appt for tomorrow, but I'm worried that either 1.)I won't be taken seriously, or 2.)There will have to be some sort of procedure that will leave me looking ridiculous. Oh, and husband didn't offer the exact kind of support I was looking for this morning, which left me choking back tears, and on self pity. Awesome.
- Hormonally this isn't the best time. For some reason CD5-CD7 are always very very low for me. (shrugs)
+ Jeb and I bought an S-load of fruit. It was on my to do list, and dammit, I bought the hell out of some fruit.
- I haven't been running in since Thursday. Very, very bad. And we ate Chinese food last night. So now I'm bloated, and sluggish, and all I've fallen off the wagon! Why even bother?! I'm so fat and lame! And I have a CYST on my FOREHEAD! I sound so fun to be around, don't I?
+/- I've been on vacation for the last 5 nights, and have 2 more. I'm already sad that it's winding down, but thrilled to still have a couple of nights off. I want these last evenings to be fantastic, not full of, well, me. like this.
- If I can't find my way out of this mood, I'll feel guilty which will be like Shit Frosting on Barf Cake.
I really prefer terrific days to poop days.
Here's to hoping: I get a decent run in this evening which completely revitalizes my mood, and that half of my face doesn't have to get cut off tomorrow. fx.
(eta: Didn't get a run in because Husband didn't get home early enough (-), but he did bring me flowers because he knew I was feeling down (+). )
Monday, August 30, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
The Best Rainy Day in History
We had a rainy day today. It was the first in months, literally. The weather this summer has been ah-may-zing, but I'll admit I kind of missed the occasional rainy day! (I feel like such an ingrate even uttering those words, haha!)
First of all, we slept until 830 because the sun wasn't out to wake the toddler up. We are usually up at 645, so you can all understand how glorious this felt!
Every Monday morning, we go to Story Time at our town library. (Our library is the BOMB.) Story Time entails: a story read aloud by Miss S, an art project, a snack, and independant reading/playing/puzzle time. It's awesome. Today was especially awesome because Bennett was able to come with us since rainy days are slow days in the landscape biz-- score! Jeb was so proud to show his daddy around the library :).
After story time, we came home and played a little, did some chores, and ate lunch together at the kitchen table. We'd gotten into the habit of having lunch at the coffee table while playing/watching cartoons, but a couple weeks ago I started making a more formal lunch for the 2 of us and eating at the table. I LOVE our new routine. We talk about our morning, laugh, and joke. Jeb is HUGE into "jokes" these days, where he'll say something like the cow says oink oink! and burst into hysterics. He'll even alert me and say "mama, I'm making a funny joke!" Or he'll point to something that is blue and tell me it's red, while giggleing his head off; it's so freaking fun.
After our lunch of talking and laughing, we went up to my bed to read books and take a nap. We read 6 books, I rubbed his back, and we listened to the rain and wind while cuddling under the covers and both fell asleep. Heaven. Pure heaven.
We woke up, had a snack and went to Target, with the sole purpose of having fun and killing time. Jeb loves to hang out in the toy aisles, the sports aisles, and the book aisles, so we did just that for >1 hour. (I love hanging out in Target for any reason, and haven't stepped foot in one for months, so I was loving every minute as well!) I spied the back-to-school supplies and bought our afternoon activity: 2 pair safety scissors, 2 glue sticks, 1 pack construction paper, 4 tubes of glitter, water color paints, and some extra brushes FOR 12 DOLLARS. :) :)
So, obviously, we came home and had Art Time for over an hour. We painted/cut/glued/and glittered pictures of umbrellas and rain (to keep with the theme of the day!), fire works, flags, random shapes/letters/numbers, and my fav? Jackie Paper and Puff. All while listening to kids music, and occasionally singing along. Does it get any better?
There was a pretty big meltdown when it was time to put our art supplies away, but we ended up having a nice dinner when daddy was done with work. We then read all of our new library books about 5 times each, had the requisite jumping-around-playing-ball/wrestling-get-out-the-rest-of-your-energy-time and watched some Jungle Book before bed time.
I wish I could say bedtime was smooth, but it never is. I'm choosing to focus on the awesome, and roll with the difficult.
Oh and? Jeb is a superstar with the potty. It's like he's been potty trained his whole life. I didn't even have to ask him today, he lets me know when he has to go and that's that. Crazy.
I wish I'd taken pictures, esp of our Art Time, but it really never occurs to me to get the camera. Tomorrow is supposed to be rainy again, so I'll try to remember :)
What a day. This is what being a Mama is all about. :)
First of all, we slept until 830 because the sun wasn't out to wake the toddler up. We are usually up at 645, so you can all understand how glorious this felt!
Every Monday morning, we go to Story Time at our town library. (Our library is the BOMB.) Story Time entails: a story read aloud by Miss S, an art project, a snack, and independant reading/playing/puzzle time. It's awesome. Today was especially awesome because Bennett was able to come with us since rainy days are slow days in the landscape biz-- score! Jeb was so proud to show his daddy around the library :).
After story time, we came home and played a little, did some chores, and ate lunch together at the kitchen table. We'd gotten into the habit of having lunch at the coffee table while playing/watching cartoons, but a couple weeks ago I started making a more formal lunch for the 2 of us and eating at the table. I LOVE our new routine. We talk about our morning, laugh, and joke. Jeb is HUGE into "jokes" these days, where he'll say something like the cow says oink oink! and burst into hysterics. He'll even alert me and say "mama, I'm making a funny joke!" Or he'll point to something that is blue and tell me it's red, while giggleing his head off; it's so freaking fun.
After our lunch of talking and laughing, we went up to my bed to read books and take a nap. We read 6 books, I rubbed his back, and we listened to the rain and wind while cuddling under the covers and both fell asleep. Heaven. Pure heaven.
We woke up, had a snack and went to Target, with the sole purpose of having fun and killing time. Jeb loves to hang out in the toy aisles, the sports aisles, and the book aisles, so we did just that for >1 hour. (I love hanging out in Target for any reason, and haven't stepped foot in one for months, so I was loving every minute as well!) I spied the back-to-school supplies and bought our afternoon activity: 2 pair safety scissors, 2 glue sticks, 1 pack construction paper, 4 tubes of glitter, water color paints, and some extra brushes FOR 12 DOLLARS. :) :)
So, obviously, we came home and had Art Time for over an hour. We painted/cut/glued/and glittered pictures of umbrellas and rain (to keep with the theme of the day!), fire works, flags, random shapes/letters/numbers, and my fav? Jackie Paper and Puff. All while listening to kids music, and occasionally singing along. Does it get any better?
There was a pretty big meltdown when it was time to put our art supplies away, but we ended up having a nice dinner when daddy was done with work. We then read all of our new library books about 5 times each, had the requisite jumping-around-playing-ball/wrestling-get-out-the-rest-of-your-energy-time and watched some Jungle Book before bed time.
I wish I could say bedtime was smooth, but it never is. I'm choosing to focus on the awesome, and roll with the difficult.
Oh and? Jeb is a superstar with the potty. It's like he's been potty trained his whole life. I didn't even have to ask him today, he lets me know when he has to go and that's that. Crazy.
I wish I'd taken pictures, esp of our Art Time, but it really never occurs to me to get the camera. Tomorrow is supposed to be rainy again, so I'll try to remember :)
What a day. This is what being a Mama is all about. :)
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Bye Bye Diapers :)
Jeb is POTTY TRAINED!!!
Today (Sat) will be day 9 of Project Underwear.
This kid is a Rock Star, I tell you. He has taken to it like a pro. Days 1-4 I put him in underwear (except for nap and nighttime) and toileted him every hour. Each day he had 1 small accident in the late afternoon, but I thought that was pretty good. His night and nap diapers even remained 80% dry, he was able to make it to the toilet. By day 5, he was starting to tell me "Mama! I have to pee!". He wasn't loving it, per se, but he was successful. He would occasionally tell me "I don't like the potty", but he wasn't really fighting me. Days 6 and 7 were daycare days. He did well, but really just held it most of the day. He had zero accidents on days 5 and 6, and 1 on day 7. Day 8? It's like he's been doing this his whole life. I didn't have to prompt him ONCE. He just came to me each time and asked to pee. His nighttime and nap diapers were dry. He's gone in several public bathrooms with only 1 freak out (it was like, day 2, so I wasn't surprised). I bought him a nurf gun, which was a huge help in the motivation area; not just in the initial purchase, but he plays with it constantly, so everytime I wanted him to pee I would just say "no more shooting until we do pee pee" and that was it, he was pulling his undies down before I knew it!
I know we have totally lucked out in this potty training business. In fact? We have just lucked out all around. Jeb is such a good natured, sweet kid. He listens AMAZINGLY well, like I rarely have to repeat myself and he rarely resists. He just listens. I could go on and on, but suffice it to say, this is one special little kid and if I loved him more I might explode.
Today (Sat) will be day 9 of Project Underwear.
This kid is a Rock Star, I tell you. He has taken to it like a pro. Days 1-4 I put him in underwear (except for nap and nighttime) and toileted him every hour. Each day he had 1 small accident in the late afternoon, but I thought that was pretty good. His night and nap diapers even remained 80% dry, he was able to make it to the toilet. By day 5, he was starting to tell me "Mama! I have to pee!". He wasn't loving it, per se, but he was successful. He would occasionally tell me "I don't like the potty", but he wasn't really fighting me. Days 6 and 7 were daycare days. He did well, but really just held it most of the day. He had zero accidents on days 5 and 6, and 1 on day 7. Day 8? It's like he's been doing this his whole life. I didn't have to prompt him ONCE. He just came to me each time and asked to pee. His nighttime and nap diapers were dry. He's gone in several public bathrooms with only 1 freak out (it was like, day 2, so I wasn't surprised). I bought him a nurf gun, which was a huge help in the motivation area; not just in the initial purchase, but he plays with it constantly, so everytime I wanted him to pee I would just say "no more shooting until we do pee pee" and that was it, he was pulling his undies down before I knew it!
I know we have totally lucked out in this potty training business. In fact? We have just lucked out all around. Jeb is such a good natured, sweet kid. He listens AMAZINGLY well, like I rarely have to repeat myself and he rarely resists. He just listens. I could go on and on, but suffice it to say, this is one special little kid and if I loved him more I might explode.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
TPR too early.
(Warning: a good bit of F bombs are dropped. I couldn't help it.)
It's been a while since I've written anything of substance. My work schedule sucked for the last week, and before that I was just plain hot and tired. I'm now on a mini vacay, and had lots of things I wanted to post about, just for my own record. This summer has been awesome, and I want to have as many memories recorded as possible.
And then, I read about a potential adoption and TPR "hopefully happening this weekend before discharge". This was written before the baby was even BORN.
I'd heard about TPR being signed in the hospital before, maybe 10+ years ago, and it seemed so barbaric, I was sure it had been done away with.
I am birthmother who was VERY confident and OK with her decision, so there's not terribly much I get up in arms about wrt adoption. I feel like I can appreciate each side, even though I've only lived 1 side.
I can hope to understand an adoptee's sense of loss, and I can hope to understand an adopter's sense of longing, and I try to only LISTEN when those members speak.
HOW CAN NO ONE SEE THAT ASKING A WOMAN TO SIGN TPR 2 DAYS AFTER GIVING BIRTH IS JUST WRONG?
First, the hormonal TSUNAMI going on is reason alone not to make such an enormous decision!!! Let me say that again: 2 fucking days after giving birth? You are in a HORMONAL TSUNAMI. Remember those days of infertility drugs? Times that by about a million.
And what? Better get those papers signed before she changes her mind? UM! HELLO! And what? If she changes her mind a week later but the papers are already signed, what? We all do a collective "PHEW!" and pat ourselves on the back for "saving" her baby? Or worse, keeping the adoptive parents money? UN-FUCKING-ETHICAL. I'm going to say something radical: BIRTHMOM NEEDS THE TIME AND THE OPTION TO CHANGE HER MIND. SHE IS NOT A BIRTHMOM AT THE MOMENT OF BIRTH.
Thank God, I placed in Rhode Island. (A state that doesn't do much of anything right, imo, but does this right) According to RI law, I couldn't sign TPR until at least 30 days post birth. Colin's parents could take him, or if they were nervous about the risk and didn't want to take him until after, that was an option. I know the surface argument is about attachment and bonding and limbo, and they are all valid. Attachment, bonding, and aparents living in limbo are all very important things. But those things can still be accomplished and rectified while still giving the birthmom more than 2 damn days. I cannot fucking imagine sitting in a hospital bed, recovering from birth, bleeding, dripping milk, hormonal, vulnerable, not in my own environment, possibly completely ALONE, and having a fucking LAWYER give me papers and STAND over my hospital bed, while I don't even have actual CLOTHES on and ask me to make an irreversible decision about my baby.
UNETHICAL.
TPR should be final, but not premature. I'm not advocating for the loosey-goosey laws that allow birthparents to fight for toddlers and destroy families. I'm talking about respect, and a reasonable amount of time so as to empower birth mothers. When I signed, I did not feel taken advantage of, I felt proactive, I felt like I was mindful and aware.
What? Are agencies too terrified that too many potential birth mothers will not place? Well shame on them.
Asking a woman to sign TPR in the hospital feels like Baby Stealing.
I'd love to hear any thoughts on this, as it is clearly my most trigger-y adoption issue.
It's been a while since I've written anything of substance. My work schedule sucked for the last week, and before that I was just plain hot and tired. I'm now on a mini vacay, and had lots of things I wanted to post about, just for my own record. This summer has been awesome, and I want to have as many memories recorded as possible.
And then, I read about a potential adoption and TPR "hopefully happening this weekend before discharge". This was written before the baby was even BORN.
I'd heard about TPR being signed in the hospital before, maybe 10+ years ago, and it seemed so barbaric, I was sure it had been done away with.
I am birthmother who was VERY confident and OK with her decision, so there's not terribly much I get up in arms about wrt adoption. I feel like I can appreciate each side, even though I've only lived 1 side.
I can hope to understand an adoptee's sense of loss, and I can hope to understand an adopter's sense of longing, and I try to only LISTEN when those members speak.
HOW CAN NO ONE SEE THAT ASKING A WOMAN TO SIGN TPR 2 DAYS AFTER GIVING BIRTH IS JUST WRONG?
First, the hormonal TSUNAMI going on is reason alone not to make such an enormous decision!!! Let me say that again: 2 fucking days after giving birth? You are in a HORMONAL TSUNAMI. Remember those days of infertility drugs? Times that by about a million.
And what? Better get those papers signed before she changes her mind? UM! HELLO! And what? If she changes her mind a week later but the papers are already signed, what? We all do a collective "PHEW!" and pat ourselves on the back for "saving" her baby? Or worse, keeping the adoptive parents money? UN-FUCKING-ETHICAL. I'm going to say something radical: BIRTHMOM NEEDS THE TIME AND THE OPTION TO CHANGE HER MIND. SHE IS NOT A BIRTHMOM AT THE MOMENT OF BIRTH.
Thank God, I placed in Rhode Island. (A state that doesn't do much of anything right, imo, but does this right) According to RI law, I couldn't sign TPR until at least 30 days post birth. Colin's parents could take him, or if they were nervous about the risk and didn't want to take him until after, that was an option. I know the surface argument is about attachment and bonding and limbo, and they are all valid. Attachment, bonding, and aparents living in limbo are all very important things. But those things can still be accomplished and rectified while still giving the birthmom more than 2 damn days. I cannot fucking imagine sitting in a hospital bed, recovering from birth, bleeding, dripping milk, hormonal, vulnerable, not in my own environment, possibly completely ALONE, and having a fucking LAWYER give me papers and STAND over my hospital bed, while I don't even have actual CLOTHES on and ask me to make an irreversible decision about my baby.
UNETHICAL.
TPR should be final, but not premature. I'm not advocating for the loosey-goosey laws that allow birthparents to fight for toddlers and destroy families. I'm talking about respect, and a reasonable amount of time so as to empower birth mothers. When I signed, I did not feel taken advantage of, I felt proactive, I felt like I was mindful and aware.
What? Are agencies too terrified that too many potential birth mothers will not place? Well shame on them.
Asking a woman to sign TPR in the hospital feels like Baby Stealing.
I'd love to hear any thoughts on this, as it is clearly my most trigger-y adoption issue.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Too Tired to be Coherent.
I am so, so tired. I am working way too much last week and this week. I was awake for >24 hours 2 different days this week. Jeb STILL DOES NOT SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT. I have been tired since 2007. *yawn*
Starting a week from Tuesday, I have a week off. I am so looking forward to that, I get a little choked up thinking about it.
What a hodgepodge. I can't even think straight I am so tired.
Being a working mama is hard. It's a labor of love, but tonight I'm feeling pretty burnt.
Can't wait to go to sleep in 8 more hours..........
Starting a week from Tuesday, I have a week off. I am so looking forward to that, I get a little choked up thinking about it.
What a hodgepodge. I can't even think straight I am so tired.
Being a working mama is hard. It's a labor of love, but tonight I'm feeling pretty burnt.
Can't wait to go to sleep in 8 more hours..........
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Weekend with BOTH my boys :)
This weekend was the annual FIA picnic up in Vermont. We've all attended every year since 1998. Colin's birthdad and his 8 year old son went, too, so it was a very brotherly weekend. It was so fun, and so special. I can't even explain how nuts Jeb is for Colin. He talks about "my big brother" constantly, and Colin was so proud to introduce Jeb as his brother to anyone who would listen. Colin camped with us Saturday night, how cool is that? We have worked so hard, and boy
the rewards are well worth it.
Can you tell I'm beaming?
No words.
Boys love to look for stuff in the woods, apparently ;) Jeb followed him everywhere!
They had so much fun playing around in the tent!
I don't know why, but I thought this was a pretty cool image. My boys' shoes, so casually laying around together.
the rewards are well worth it.
Can you tell I'm beaming?
No words.
Boys love to look for stuff in the woods, apparently ;) Jeb followed him everywhere!
They had so much fun playing around in the tent!
I don't know why, but I thought this was a pretty cool image. My boys' shoes, so casually laying around together.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Summer Lovin'
I had high hopes for this summer, and boy, I've not been let down. This summer has been everything I wanted, and more.
It's my first summer not being pregnant or nursing since 2006 and I was really looking forward to wearing summer clothes without thinking about nursing bras or mammary exposure, ect. I hadn't worn a sun dress in years! I enjoy getting dressed literally every single day like never beofre!
Another very vain reason I am loving this summer, and loving getting dressed every day is that I've gotten into great shape. And enjoyed the process. In fact, I've enjoyed the process as much as I enjoy dressing the results. My body is certainly not what it was 10 or even 5 years ago, but I feel stronger than ever. Even though my tummy is not as flat as it once was, and my breasts show the signs of nursing for >2 years, I feel more confident in my body than I ever have. I love my body more than I ever have; I enjoy flirting with my husband, and trying to attract him every day. His reaction only reinforces that my attitude and my femininity are even more appealing than the smaller waist he fell in love with years ago.
Jeb's at such a great age, and his independence has given us a much higher level of freedom as a family. He no longer falls asleep on any car ride longer than 10 minutes, which means we can go on so many more family adventures without fear of messing with the nap schedule. He still naps, which is also still very convenient. We get to do stuff that delights and teaches him, which delights and teaches us as well.
Jeb also loves the occasional sleep over with Grandma or Gran or Aunt Jenny, which has allowed husband and I to go on some really fun dates. I can't even explain how awesome this has been. We both miss Jeb like crazy when we're away, but let's face it, it only helps to nurture a marriage. And Jeb has so much fun! And our family loves to take him for the night! It's win win win!
This has been the Summer of Mama and Jeb. The weather has been heaven sent. This has been the most gorgeous summer I can remember. We've gone on outings. To the park, the pool, the beach, the zoo. We've had dinner picnics in our yard. We've spent afternoons playing in the sprinkler and the sandbox. Jeb has gone days without really getting dressed, spending most of his time naked, or at the very most in a diaper. We've gone to story time at the library every Monday morning and brought home Jeb's art to hang on the fridge each week. We've taken walks, picked up sticks, and sang 'We Can Fly!' from Peter Pan while running around the yard more times than I can count. We've blown bubbles and covered the patio with sidewalk chalk over and over. We've sat out in the cool evening air with Popsicles dripping down our wrists, talking about what an awesome summer day we had. We've taken more naps together than I can count, each of us as naked as possible, with the ceiling fan humming and a light sheet draped over our cuddling bodies. We've picked strawberries, trying our best not to sample too many before we paid for our lot, giggling all the while. We've taken days "off" and hunkered down in the AC for a whole lot of nothing: no errands, no heat, no cleaning, no business, LOTS of cuddles. It's been a summer to remember, for sure.
And it's only half over.
I've also worked a lot, stressed a lot, and cleaned not as much as I should have. But I know that my memory with be of the highlights, and there have been many.
I'm hoping to add to our family some time next year, and I'm acutely aware of the luxuries of time, space, and body that I may soon forfeit for 2-3 years while I grow and nurse the next member. I'm simultaneously enjoying my freedoms and looking forward to giving them up. It's the exact assignment I gave myself for the summer: enjoy Jeb, enjoy Bennett, enjoy time and sleep and running, look forward to another baby.
I can't wait to love the 2nd half of this summer as much as I've loved the 1st half.
It's my first summer not being pregnant or nursing since 2006 and I was really looking forward to wearing summer clothes without thinking about nursing bras or mammary exposure, ect. I hadn't worn a sun dress in years! I enjoy getting dressed literally every single day like never beofre!
Another very vain reason I am loving this summer, and loving getting dressed every day is that I've gotten into great shape. And enjoyed the process. In fact, I've enjoyed the process as much as I enjoy dressing the results. My body is certainly not what it was 10 or even 5 years ago, but I feel stronger than ever. Even though my tummy is not as flat as it once was, and my breasts show the signs of nursing for >2 years, I feel more confident in my body than I ever have. I love my body more than I ever have; I enjoy flirting with my husband, and trying to attract him every day. His reaction only reinforces that my attitude and my femininity are even more appealing than the smaller waist he fell in love with years ago.
Jeb's at such a great age, and his independence has given us a much higher level of freedom as a family. He no longer falls asleep on any car ride longer than 10 minutes, which means we can go on so many more family adventures without fear of messing with the nap schedule. He still naps, which is also still very convenient. We get to do stuff that delights and teaches him, which delights and teaches us as well.
Jeb also loves the occasional sleep over with Grandma or Gran or Aunt Jenny, which has allowed husband and I to go on some really fun dates. I can't even explain how awesome this has been. We both miss Jeb like crazy when we're away, but let's face it, it only helps to nurture a marriage. And Jeb has so much fun! And our family loves to take him for the night! It's win win win!
This has been the Summer of Mama and Jeb. The weather has been heaven sent. This has been the most gorgeous summer I can remember. We've gone on outings. To the park, the pool, the beach, the zoo. We've had dinner picnics in our yard. We've spent afternoons playing in the sprinkler and the sandbox. Jeb has gone days without really getting dressed, spending most of his time naked, or at the very most in a diaper. We've gone to story time at the library every Monday morning and brought home Jeb's art to hang on the fridge each week. We've taken walks, picked up sticks, and sang 'We Can Fly!' from Peter Pan while running around the yard more times than I can count. We've blown bubbles and covered the patio with sidewalk chalk over and over. We've sat out in the cool evening air with Popsicles dripping down our wrists, talking about what an awesome summer day we had. We've taken more naps together than I can count, each of us as naked as possible, with the ceiling fan humming and a light sheet draped over our cuddling bodies. We've picked strawberries, trying our best not to sample too many before we paid for our lot, giggling all the while. We've taken days "off" and hunkered down in the AC for a whole lot of nothing: no errands, no heat, no cleaning, no business, LOTS of cuddles. It's been a summer to remember, for sure.
And it's only half over.
I've also worked a lot, stressed a lot, and cleaned not as much as I should have. But I know that my memory with be of the highlights, and there have been many.
I'm hoping to add to our family some time next year, and I'm acutely aware of the luxuries of time, space, and body that I may soon forfeit for 2-3 years while I grow and nurse the next member. I'm simultaneously enjoying my freedoms and looking forward to giving them up. It's the exact assignment I gave myself for the summer: enjoy Jeb, enjoy Bennett, enjoy time and sleep and running, look forward to another baby.
I can't wait to love the 2nd half of this summer as much as I've loved the 1st half.
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