Too Tired to be Coherent.

I am so, so tired. I am working way too much last week and this week. I was awake for >24 hours 2 different days this week. Jeb STILL DOES NOT SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT. I have been tired since 2007. *yawn*

Starting a week from Tuesday, I have a week off. I am so looking forward to that, I get a little choked up thinking about it.

What a hodgepodge. I can't even think straight I am so tired.

Being a working mama is hard. It's a labor of love, but tonight I'm feeling pretty burnt.

Can't wait to go to sleep in 8 more hours..........

Weekend with BOTH my boys :)

This weekend was the annual FIA picnic up in Vermont. We've all attended every year since 1998. Colin's birthdad and his 8 year old son went, too, so it was a very brotherly weekend. It was so fun, and so special. I can't even explain how nuts Jeb is for Colin. He talks about "my big brother" constantly, and Colin was so proud to introduce Jeb as his brother to anyone who would listen. Colin camped with us Saturday night, how cool is that? We have worked so hard, and boy
the rewards are well worth it.




Can you tell I'm beaming?




No words.



Boys love to look for stuff in the woods, apparently ;) Jeb followed him everywhere!


They had so much fun playing around in the tent!



I don't know why, but I thought this was a pretty cool image. My boys' shoes, so casually laying around together.

Summer Lovin'

I had high hopes for this summer, and boy, I've not been let down. This summer has been everything I wanted, and more.


It's my first summer not being pregnant or nursing since 2006 and I was really looking forward to wearing summer clothes without thinking about nursing bras or mammary exposure, ect. I hadn't worn a sun dress in years! I enjoy getting dressed literally every single day like never beofre!

Another very vain reason I am loving this summer, and loving getting dressed every day is that I've gotten into great shape. And enjoyed the process. In fact, I've enjoyed the process as much as I enjoy dressing the results. My body is certainly not what it was 10 or even 5 years ago, but I feel stronger than ever. Even though my tummy is not as flat as it once was, and my breasts show the signs of nursing for >2 years, I feel more confident in my body than I ever have. I love my body more than I ever have; I enjoy flirting with my husband, and trying to attract him every day. His reaction only reinforces that my attitude and my femininity are even more appealing than the smaller waist he fell in love with years ago.


Jeb's at such a great age, and his independence has given us a much higher level of freedom as a family. He no longer falls asleep on any car ride longer than 10 minutes, which means we can go on so many more family adventures without fear of messing with the nap schedule. He still naps, which is also still very convenient. We get to do stuff that delights and teaches him, which delights and teaches us as well.

Jeb also loves the occasional sleep over with Grandma or Gran or Aunt Jenny, which has allowed husband and I to go on some really fun dates. I can't even explain how awesome this has been. We both miss Jeb like crazy when we're away, but let's face it, it only helps to nurture a marriage. And Jeb has so much fun! And our family loves to take him for the night! It's win win win!

This has been the Summer of Mama and Jeb. The weather has been heaven sent. This has been the most gorgeous summer I can remember. We've gone on outings. To the park, the pool, the beach, the zoo. We've had dinner picnics in our yard. We've spent afternoons playing in the sprinkler and the sandbox. Jeb has gone days without really getting dressed, spending most of his time naked, or at the very most in a diaper. We've gone to story time at the library every Monday morning and brought home Jeb's art to hang on the fridge each week. We've taken walks, picked up sticks, and sang 'We Can Fly!' from Peter Pan while running around the yard more times than I can count. We've blown bubbles and covered the patio with sidewalk chalk over and over. We've sat out in the cool evening air with Popsicles dripping down our wrists, talking about what an awesome summer day we had. We've taken more naps together than I can count, each of us as naked as possible, with the ceiling fan humming and a light sheet draped over our cuddling bodies. We've picked strawberries, trying our best not to sample too many before we paid for our lot, giggling all the while. We've taken days "off" and hunkered down in the AC for a whole lot of nothing: no errands, no heat, no cleaning, no business, LOTS of cuddles. It's been a summer to remember, for sure.

And it's only half over.

I've also worked a lot, stressed a lot, and cleaned not as much as I should have. But I know that my memory with be of the highlights, and there have been many.

I'm hoping to add to our family some time next year, and I'm acutely aware of the luxuries of time, space, and body that I may soon forfeit for 2-3 years while I grow and nurse the next member. I'm simultaneously enjoying my freedoms and looking forward to giving them up. It's the exact assignment I gave myself for the summer: enjoy Jeb, enjoy Bennett, enjoy time and sleep and running, look forward to another baby.

I can't wait to love the 2nd half of this summer as much as I've loved the 1st half.

There should be a secret handshake.

Next door to me lives a family with a 2 year old. The boy joined their family through adoption, which is obvious because it's a transracial adoption. I only mention this because adoption has never come up in conversation, but I know he's adopted. They are super nice, and we run into each other often because we are always out playing in the yard. We frequently make the nice neighbor small talk, and talk about the boys who get along great. We only moved here in September, and our relationship is still very much an "acquaintanceship" and not quiet "friendship". I really like them, and really hope that we get closer and maybe become good friends, but it takes time. I'm rambling. Anyway, I outed my birthmotherhood to Mrs. Neighbor this week. I'd always wanted to share with them that I'm a member of the triad, too, but I was waiting for the right moment, kwim? So the other day the boys were running through the sprinkler together and we were chatting, and I kind of just blurted out "I'm a birthmother, I have a 12 year old as well, and we have an open adoption". Well, then it got kind of awkward. Mrs. Neighbor was super nice, as always, and said some nice things about open adoption (theirs is not open), and then it was quiet and then the subject changed. I was feeling sheepish, and suddenly started questioning myself why have I wanted to share this with her so badly?! What an idiot I am! But really, I wanted to tell her so badly because they are such a great family and I am so thrilled for them and I wanted them to know that I'm cool and and and.... I don't know. In my fantasy, we would hold hands and jump and laugh and talk about how much we love our kids and she would be so happy to live next door to someone who "gets it" about adoption.

I feel like such a dork.

There should be a special wink, or nod, or handshake so as to avoid awkward "outings".

A regular kind of moment in an Open Adoption.

Jeb recently came across a photo of Colin and me and asked:
"What this?"
Me: "That's Colin and mama"
Jeb: "My big brother?"
Me: "Yes, your big brother."
Jeb: "I want him. I want see him."
Me: "We'll see him in a few weeks."
Jeb: "I want see him right now."
Me: " Me too, baby, me too."

Father's Day :)

I am so excited for Father's Day this year. I think I enjoy Father's Day even more than I enjoy Mother's Day. I love celebrating B even more than I love being celebrated. He is such a fantastic father, it makes me tear up to think about it.

My father was/is not very good. He's got some issues that prevent him from being a very good dad. That is my non-angry way of explaining it. We haven't had a relationship in years. (How cliche: birthmom had shitty dad and then slept around looking for approval from men. Pretty textbook, eh?) For years Father's Day made me kind of sad. I wanted the kind of dad who deserved being celebrated. I wanted all that father-daughter-y shit.

I was 18 weeks pregnant for B's "first" Father's Day. In my mind, I had all kinds of ideas about how different Father's Days would be from then on. Well, B chose to go away for a "guys weekend". I flipped. It was a major communication snafu, and throw in some pregnancy hormones? It wasn't pretty. The last 2 Father's Days have been much better, and much less dramatic ;)

I feel like one of the best things I've done for Jeb is to give him a good father. It was one of the big reasons I placed Colin; his birthdad and I were never going to create a stable home together. I sometimes get jealous of people who have awesome dads, and ensuring my kids have one has been really healing on that front. You know that whole notion about wanting your kids to have more/better than you did? Well, for me, that means giving my kids a good dad. And I have. And I'm really proud of him, but also of myself for that.

So, this weekend, I have a couple of surprises in store for B, and I can't wait! Jeb is going on a sleep over at my mother-in-law's on Sat night. This will be his first sleep over at her house (he's done a couple at my mom's) and they are both so excited they can't see straight. I made dinner reservations at B's fav seafood restaurant, and then we're going for drinks at a dock-side bar on the water in our city. I have a cute sun dress all picked out, and the forecast looks terrific. I got him a great new Hawaiian shirt (he's mental for them), and am taking him to get a set of (used) golf clubs. He's been wanting a set of his own. Sunday will be a lazy family day.... perfection.

It's a bullet-y kind of day.

- I had 8 nights in a row off, kind of by accident. It was heaven. I want to be a SAHM so badly. I've got a couple more years of this WFTOOTHAHI (working full time out of the home and hating it), and then I will likely be able to stay home. I can't wait.

- Last week I ran 7.2 miles! The last mile hurt, I won't lie, but I was so proud of myself for running the entire way. I'm toying with the idea of training for a half marathon in October, but I'm afraid to commit and then not make it. My next goal is a 10 mile race in late July; if that goes well maybe I'll officially make the 13.1 my next goal.

- Jeb is so funny these days. The phrases that come out of his mouth blow me away. I am so torn with wanting him to stay 2 forever, but also loving every new stage. Seriously, I love every age more than the one before.

- He turned 2 and a half last Friday; we had cake and candles and balloons :).

- I've got baby fever so badly I can taste it. There are at least a dozen really, really good reasons we are waiting a few more months to TTC, but it is a daily mental battle to keep it in check.

- The weather has been gorgeous. I can't remember a better spring/start to summer in New England. We have been taking full advantage, and there are so many things I want to do and places I want to go this summer. I am LOVING living so close to the beach; there are only ever 15 minutes between my toes and the sand.

- The business is going well. What a roller coaster. That's all I can say.

- We had a couple over on Sat for a grill out. It was so fun; I really miss entertaining. We used to entertain often in Richmond as we had many more "couple" friends. I hope we can start doing it more, we both really enjoy it.

- Life is good. I am loving our (fairly) simple routines of play, outings, work, and just hanging out.